Ricky Gervais Jokes
Ricky Gervais Stand Up Jokes
"My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela......incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990, he's been out about 18 years now......and he hasn't reoffended." (Out Of England)
"1st of december, World Aids Day....I don't think it'll ever take off like Christmas." (Out Of England)
"I'm not from these parts. I`m from a little place called England - we used to run the world before you lot." (Golden Globe)
"Apparently, I don't know if this is true but I hope it is, I've heard it from a few reports, when we went up to get our awards apparently Clint Eastwood turned to someone that he was with and went, Who the fuck are they?"
"Ebony and Ivory. No more racism now. That one's done." (xfm)
"You're an idiot. What you think an African family wakes up and there's a little goat with a ribbon tied round it? And they go, 'Oh look what Santa brought us!'"
"Where there's a will-there's a relative!"
"They have bits sliced off and tied up and sucked out. I want to say to them, 'You lazy f**king fat pig. Just go for a run and stop eating burgers. You might fucking die'."
The Office
"If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, I probably wouldn't say Einstein, Newton... I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions." (The Office)
David (Series 1 Episode 1)
"This is the accounts department, the number bods. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions, they are absolutely mad, all of 'em. Especially that one, he's mental. Not literally of course, that wouldn't work."
David (Series 1 Episode 1)
"When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer's always the same, to me, they're not mutually exclusive."
David (Series 1 Episode 2)
"To be honest I think you're mad to let me and Finchy on the bleedin telly. We're like Morecambe and Wise when we're together. No, not Morecambe and Wise, because there's no straight man, there's no dead wood. I'm more sort of character based, and he's more of a gag man. I do gags as well."
David (Series 1 Episode 3)
"I've created an atmosphere where I'm a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third."
David (Series 1 Episode 1)
Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!
David (Series 1 Episode 2)
"What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went 'Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?'. Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish!"
David (Series 2 Episode 6)
I don't look upon this like it's the end, I look upon it like it's moving on you know. It's almost like my work here's done. I can't imagine Jesus going, "Oh, I've told a few people in Bethlehem I'm the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?" No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that's, very much like... me.
David (Series 2 Episode 5)
What's more important: you, Neil, with your report, or some starving children? Oh, I dunno. Oh, what would Lenny Henry say? I think we know. Imagine him going out of the door on Comic Relief day and Dawn French is going "Where you going, you haven't done the washing up. You haven't put the rubbish out." (middle finger) "DO IT YOURSELF, I'VE GOTTA SAVE SOME AFRICANS!".
Ricky Gervais Movie Quotes
The Invention of Lying
Mark Bellison (Ricky Gervais): [calling Anna] Hi, this is Mark.
Anna McDoogles: Oh, hi Mark. Didn't you get my email?
Mark Bellison (Ricky Gervais): The one about being not good enough for you?
Anna McDoogles: That's the one.
Mark Bellison (Ricky Gervais): Yeah, got that. Cheers.
Anna McDoogles: I was just masturbating.
Mark Bellison (Ricky Gervais): That... makes me think of your vagina
Ghost Town
Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais): [unwillingly giving hospital nurse personal information] Invasion of my privacy, that's what it is.
Admitting Nurse: Wait'll they get you in the back.
Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais): I was dead and now they brought me back. I can... I can...
Frank Herlihy: The dead have a lot of unfinished business, which is why we're still here.
Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais): Did anything usual happen during my operation?
Surgeon: You... uh... died for seven minutes.
Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais): I died! For seven minutes!
Surgeon: We brought you right back. People die all the time.
Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais): Yeah, but it's usually just once... at the end.
Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais): Dr. Prashar - you're from a... scary country, right?
[pause]
Dr. Prashar: I'm from India...
Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais): But, you're not... Christian, like us?
[pause]
Dr. Prashar: I'm a Hindu...
Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais): Yeah. So, um, how would you extract information from a hostile?
Dr. Prashar: Well... as a... Hindu person... I would just... ask him... politely...
Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais): Listen, our time together, as we both know, has been rather unpleasant. But I will say this: even though you're a vulgar man - boorish, distasteful, uncouth, uneducated, *stupid* - at least...
[long pause]
Frank Herlihy: You gonna finish?
Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais): Done.
Stardust
[Captain Shakespeare is selling a box containing bolts of lightning]
Captain Shakespeare: So! Name your best price.
Ferdy the Fence (Ricky Gervais): For 10,000 bolts?
Captain Shakespeare: 10,000 bolts of finest quality grade-A.
Ferdy the Fence (Ricky Gervais): Yeah, but it's difficult to shift, isn't it? Difficult to store. If I get the revenue man in here sniffing around. Uhmmm... Best price? 150 Guineas.
Captain Shakespeare: [to his crew] Gentlemen, put the merchandise back on board and prepare to sail.
Ferdy the Fence (Ricky Gervais): Whoa, whoa! Hold on. Hold on. One minute, Cuddles. 160? 160.
Captain Shakespeare: Seeing as I'm feeling particularly generous today, I'll settle for 200.
Ferdy the Fence (Ricky Gervais): 200? Okay, you're having a laugh.
[Ferdy laughs]
Ferdy the Fence (Ricky Gervais): Have you had your head in that? Has he been staying up where the air's too thin?
Captain Shakespeare: [darkly] You're being very rude.
Ferdy the Fence (Ricky Gervais): Not any more.
Captain Shakespeare: 200.
Ferdy the Fence (Ricky Gervais): 180.
Captain Shakespeare: 200.
Ferdy the Fence (Ricky Gervais): That's not negotiation! I'm changing my number! 185.
Captain Shakespeare: Did I hear 200?
Ferdy the Fence (Ricky Gervais): From you, you did. Yeah.
Captain Shakespeare: You said 200?
Ferdy the Fence (Ricky Gervais): If I did, you're a ventriloquist. Okay, 195. Final offer.
Captain Shakespeare: 195 it is.
[they shake hands to seal the deal]
Captain Shakespeare: So, with sales tax, that's... let's see... 200.
Ferdy the Fence (Ricky Gervais): [resignedly] Brilliant. Put it in the back.
Night at the Museum
Mr. McPhee (Ricky Gervais): Oh, haha - look at me, the comedy night guard. Do you want to get into a battle of humor? Do you?
Larry: Um, no. No I don't want to get into a battle of humor.
Mr. McPhee (Ricky Gervais): That's right, because it would be a bloodbath. Nothing funny about Little Big Horn, is there?