Red Skelton Stand Up Jokes
"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. "
"I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up."
"Congress: Bingo with billions"
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
"A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months.' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them.'"
"Exercise? I get in on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics."
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language? One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap.