Peter Sellers Jokes

Peter Sellers Funny Quotes
There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me but I had it surgically removed.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

If you ask me to play myself, I will not know what to do. I do not know who or what I am.

Conversation like television set on honeymoon... unnecessary.

I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working.

Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.

The Pink Panther (1963) (Inspector Jacques Clouseau)
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Exactly. The Pink Panther. Such a prize he could never resist. He would be bound to try for it.
Princess Dala: I'm afraid he'd be disappointed. The Pink Panther is in my safe, at...
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [interrupting] Your Highness, please. Don't say it, not here.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Simone! Where is my Surété-Scotland-Yard-type mackintosh?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: At times like this, I wish I was but a simple peasant.
Simone Clouseau: It's times like this that make me realize how lucky I really am.

What's New Pussycat (1965) (Dr. Fritz Fassbender)
Dr. Fritz Fassbender: You're grotesque!
Anna Fassbender: Lascivious adulterer!
Dr. Fritz Fassbender: Don't you dare call me that again until I have looked it up!

Anna Fassbender: Is she prettier than me?
Dr. Fritz Fassbender: Is she prettier than you? I'M prettier than YOU!

Victor Skakapopulis: Do you have any salt?
Dr. Fritz Fassbender: Have I got any salt? I got a boat, I got kerosene, matches, firecrackers, two swords, and this flag. But, I ain't got no salt.

Dr. Fritz Fassbender: I've hated you from the first moment I married you!

The Return of the Pink Panther (1975) (Inspector Jacques Clouseau)
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: See, this is where you are wrong. Wax is NOT just wax. In this case it is a clue. Domestic wax, Belgian Wax, French Wax, English Wax...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You fool! You raving Oriental idiot! There is a time and a place for everything, Cato! And this is it!

Sir Charles Lytton: He's out of ammunition.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He's out of his mind, that's what he's out of.

Dreyfus: YES! I wish you were DEAD!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course, you are entitled to your opinion.

The Pink Panther Strikes Again (1976) (Inspector Jacques Clouseau)
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Now then, what do we know? One, that Professor Fassbinder and his daughter have been kidnapped. Two, that someone has kidnapped them. Three, that my hand is on fire.

Dreyfus: OW! My eye!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Your eye? I thought it was your tooth.
Dreyfus: Hmm? It IS my tooth!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I wish you'd make your mind up; I don't normally make castle-calls in the middle of the night yeu kneuw!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No, of course it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.

Revenge of the Pink Panther (1978) (Inspector Jacques Clouseau)
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Now, this time "I'm going to stand on "your" shoulders!
Cato: What good will that do?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Because I'm taller than you are, you fool!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You mean Douvier killed a wandering transvestite just to impress his godfather?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hey! Mamma Mia! Ho-ho! Spagettino to Al Pacino.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: But these aren't normal times. Cato. Someone just tried to kill me.
Cato: That's normal.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah, but this time, he thinks he had succeed.

Being There (1979) (Chance)
(Riding in a car for the first time) Chance the Gardener : This is just like television, only you can see much further.

Abraz: Bullshit. Who sent you here, boy? Did that chickenshit asshole Raphael send you, boy?
Chance the Gardener: No. Mr. Thomas Franklin told me I must leave the old man's house. He's dead, you know.
Abraz: Dead, my ass. You tell that asshole, if he got somethin' to tell me, to get his ass down here himself! You got that, boy?

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