I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, man, I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut... end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the doc-u-men-tation right here... oh, wait it's at home... in the file... under 'D'... for doughnut."
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."
On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'
I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.
My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"
I dressed up for the CD.
I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"
Popsicles are for the summertime...
When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.
This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together!"
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."
My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".
A guy told me he liked cherries...but... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato...before I realized he likes cherries just...all right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.
Chocolate makes me happy, I gotta admit...
I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."
My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.
I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin' ass.
If I was a locksmith I'd be fuckin' pimpin' that shit out. "Say, what's goin' on, man? Tell you what. I'll trade you a free key duplication(laughs)." That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good 'cause there's no ending.
I drank some boiling water 'cause I wanted to whistle.
I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, "Hey man, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, "Dude! I saw you at the airport...about a minute ago... and you were good."
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion!... Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six... at least. Snake eyes!" I just said "snake eyes." That's a gambling term. Its also an animal term too.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? "
I play sports...no I don't, what the fuck?
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"
I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I think they could take Sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "Damn, remember Sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!" They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song: "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a... bun." How's a Sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical! There's got to be some Sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the Sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular." What does a Sesame seed grow into? I don't know; we never gave them a chance! What the fuck is a Sesame? It's a street! It's a way...to open shit!
(Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this god damn thing! This fuckin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the fuck?" and I will pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fishsticks in shit! That's, that's actually kind of gross, you know? After that joke I always clarify that I'm just jokin'. I do not know how much tartar I actually have. I believe it's the average amount. If we all took a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the fuckin' middle.
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel something Tree". So they had a meeting; it was...it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No." "Double Tree?" "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!" Well, I had my heart set on Quadruple Tree...and we were almost there!
I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you?" "Just practicing." 
See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says, "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."
Check this joke out: If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be... fuckin'... surprised. I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke like, "During that joke, he points to the back." So people get the full experience.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
I got a 'do not disturb' sign on my hotel door. It says 'do not disturb.' Its time to go with 'don't disturb.' Its been 'do not disturb' for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. 'Don't disturb,' does not psyche you out. "'Do,' alright I need to disturb this guy... 'Not,' SHIT!I need to read faster!" I like to wear 'do not disturb' signs around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. "Hey, how you doin', nephew." "Knock Knock?" "Read the sign, punk!"
I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!
I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe s. Reese-apostrophe-s, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says, "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"
The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate...that robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory, "You owe me some letters!"
(referring to his drink) I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These fuckin' straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said, "We're going straight to the mouth. That fucker who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."
Listerine hurts, man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.
If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade.
Xylophone is spelled with an X, that's wrong, xylophone's zzzz, X? I don't fuckin' see it. It should be a Z up front, next time you have to spell xylophone, use a Z. When someone says, "Hey that's wrong," say, "No it ain't. If you think that's wrong, you need to get your head Z-rayed." It's like X wasn't given enough to do, so they had to promise it more. Okay, you don't start a lot of words, but we'll give you a co-starring role in tic-tac-toe. And you will be acquainted with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing Christmas easier. And incidentally, you will start xylophone. Are you happy, you fuckin' X?!
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, right? That's a showbiz term for "add sugar to".
I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
Hey, this joke's on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can't fuckin' rob you of this one: I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow shit. I said "C'mon, what about some celery? You fuckers don't farm. Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen." That's...that's the part that's not on the old CD.
I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause "The customer is always right." (in reaction to meager applause) All right, all right. That joke's better than you acted. Perhaps it's not. Maybe it's dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I'm not a fuckin' genius for Christ's sakes. You know. I'm just tryin' to tell some jokes. Shit. Who the fuck are you? That track is number fourteen. It's called "Attitude".
I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a "baby naming book". Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place?... Do you keep my documents in order?... Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit."
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"
I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten a.m. and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.
I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus!" So it said, "You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95." I want a product for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! We can't tell you which one, but one of those payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination; good luck, fucker! That last payments has to be paid in wampum!
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. They take out the "O" and the "U". So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!" "I stubbed my toe, -ch!" "I need to lay down on the c-ch!" "I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!"
Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one... and every one on the bottom row!"
Intro* Alright, there are a lot of people in the bathroom and I don't wanna waste these jokes, so I'm gonna hang out for a little bit. Are there speakers in the bathroom? Alright well fuck it, let's do it. I'll just save my more physical stuff for later; this is all audio.
To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?
Lull is one letter away from being four L's in a... aw fuck. I thought I had a concept there, but then I realized, no, you do not.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
Steam rollers run shit over to make sure it's good. Like if they want to test a product, they'll run over it with a steam roller. How do you know the steam roller's good? Who ran over-
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck's really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?
I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said "Bullshit!"
I'm an ice sculptor - last night i made a cube.
The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.
I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is... fucking... clean.
If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.
I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."
That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my bass player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!"
Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'... wait, what?
You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, fuck, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know what H stands for now! C obviously stands for "cold." H must stand for, "Ha Ha Dude! You thought this shit was hot, but it is not! Now go spread some germs!"
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
In Venice, Italy they don't have streets they have canals. So in Venice, we gotta keep the kids off the canals! In Venice if you're not book smart but you do know what's going on you are canal smart. "I got canal smarts bitch!"
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
Now let me ask you this: why do you think there's a brick wall behind comedians? Maybe, in the old days, there was a wolf that did comedy, and he wasn't that funny. All the old clubs had STRAW in the back. But then the wolf would have a bad set, and huff and puff, and fuck shit up! Then we went to STICKS, and once again, he huffed and puffed, and the motherfucker fucked shit up again! Now we're at bricks; the wolf ain't funny, but he can't do shit. That's the Improv Fairy Tale.
I am s-stiff; Medusa has looked at me; I'm turning into a pillar of salt. That'd be funny if, like, you know how Medusa, if you looked at her you turned into a pillar of salt, like if you were eating and, like, "This isn't very salty. Hey, dude, look at that snake-haired bitch! ... Thank you... Hmm, not bad now; thanks, snake-haired bitch! I'd like to make eye contact, but it's salty enough."
You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When are you leaving?" "As soon as I regain my equilibrium!"
I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.
Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"
(to audience) I like the way this is situated here. It seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, and then said "fuck it...lets sit down".
I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time.
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You fuckers are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes.
I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.
You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!"
If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"
I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the fuck 'Soup From Now On' is.
I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovy.
I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!
A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.
Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my "Get Rich Slow" scheme... and it's working.
If I was the headless horsemen's horse, I would fuck with that dude. "Yeah, we're going that way. We're not headed towards the hay." Imagine if the headless horsemen had a headless horse, that would be fucking chaos. "We need a head!" Oh, I got a new headless horsemen joke. I'd hate to be the headless horsemen's dentist. You wouldn't make very much money.
I can read minds but, it's pointless cause I'm illiterate. I'd know what you were thinking, if I could read. (laugh) I tried to add on to that joke. I got busted. Thought I could squeeze a couple more laughs out of it but, it was not to be.
I wrote down "tea ski." What the fuck kinda joke is that? I have no clue. Tea ski, what the fuck? Oh yeah, I remember. I wanna go to a lake and put tea bags in there, for like a hundred of 'em for like a week, and then I'm gonna tea ski.
I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.