Milton Jones Stand Up Jokes
My other grandfather was a peeping tom, he use to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below. He died recently but I kind of like thinking about him up there somewhere.....looking down on us.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mothers face through the oven window. As we played hide and seek and she said "your getting warmer".
My sisters got hayfever...now she's got diabetes though. I tried to cheer her up ya know flowers and chocolates.
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbours'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
I use to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words can never hurt me...until I fell into a printing press.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive...lucky my older brother told me about it really.
Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not...
If you want to feel better-looking and increase your self-esteem..... move to Leeds.
Tell me does anyone here own a cat?....Your houses stink.
Recently I had bird flu, but its all relative isn't it...if I rabies and you offered me bird flu, I'd bite your hand off.
Some people say that firefighters deserve more money, but apparently a poll was taken and they all fell through a hole in the floor.
When I was in America, I really got into the culture, I went into the shop and the guy said "Have a nice day" and I didn't...so I sued him.
After that I worked in a pathology lab, and I was asked to leave after one of my reports said cause of death "Autopsy".
I don't trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say 'press', but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised..
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
Yesterday sat on the controls of my drone. Could be anywhere.
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".,br>
I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard .... after that he went downhill very quickly.
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.
I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!"
Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
The school had a big problem with drugs..... especially Class A.
I've got a bit of Scottish Blood..... On my kitchen knife!
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.