Milton Berle Stand Up Jokes
All of your life you were crazy about cars, I guess that's why you turned out to be such a crank.
How proud you were when they named you America's best . . . then you found out they meant America's beast!
I always wanted to write a book about you Cynthia, but somebody beat me to it. He wrote The Hounds of Baskervilles.
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.
I remember every one of your insulting jokes . . . I use them later.
I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.
I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.
If evolution works, why do mothers only have two hands.
Laughter is an instant vacation
Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
Radio . . . that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people . . . who fortunately can't reach me.
Remember that night you did that oriental cooch-cooch; the cops came and threw you in the can-can.
Remember those magical nights Cynthia . . . we would dance cheek to cheek. I'd rub my stubble against yours.
Remember when I met you on the high seas Cynthia how coy you were. You tried to get away from me and what a fight you put up. You bent four of my harpoons.
Remember when you had your face lifted . . . and the guy brought it back.
That's a vicious rumour! A rumour started by a few million people.
That is NOT a Bob Hope joke! That is a no hope joke.
That's your little joke? Don't worry ! We'll mop it up later.
The TV newspeople keep saying this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.
We grew together. I grew up. She grew sideways.
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
You look like something the dog just buried in the backyard and is trying to forget where.