Milton Berle Jokes

Milton Berle Stand Up Jokes

All of your life you were crazy about cars, I guess that's why you turned out to be such a crank.

How proud you were when they named you America's best . . . then you found out they meant America's beast!

I always wanted to write a book about you Cynthia, but somebody beat me to it. He wrote The Hounds of Baskervilles.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.

I remember every one of your insulting jokes . . . I use them later.

I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.

If evolution works, why do mothers only have two hands.

Laughter is an instant vacation

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

Radio . . . that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people . . . who fortunately can't reach me.

Remember that night you did that oriental cooch-cooch; the cops came and threw you in the can-can.

Remember those magical nights Cynthia . . . we would dance cheek to cheek. I'd rub my stubble against yours.

Remember when I met you on the high seas Cynthia how coy you were. You tried to get away from me and what a fight you put up. You bent four of my harpoons.

Remember when you had your face lifted . . . and the guy brought it back.

That's a vicious rumour! A rumour started by a few million people.

That is NOT a Bob Hope joke! That is a no hope joke.

That's your little joke? Don't worry ! We'll mop it up later.

The TV newspeople keep saying this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.

We grew together. I grew up. She grew sideways.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

You look like something the dog just buried in the backyard and is trying to forget where.

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