Max Bygraves Stand Up Jokes
"I wanna tell you a story" (his catchphrase).
"My outlook is that life is like a self-service restaurant and you have to help yourself. Sometimes when you see what the other fella has got, you want some of it too."
"She said Excuse me we are having a national survey. Do you think the youth of Great Britian are degenerate. According to this survey 3 percent said yes they are degenerate, 2 percent said no they are not, and 95 percent said what's degenerate?
A little boy came home from school and said all the kids at school say I'm a three headed monster, his mom said now now you mustn't worry (pretending to pat 3 heads).
Man laying in bed at 3 in the morning, suddenly the phone rang. He said "Hello. You have the wrong number, try the Admiral" His wife said "Who was it" He said Just some fool asking me if the coast was clear."
When you were a new act, he used to wait for you to walk on stage. As soon as you got to the middle of the stage he used to walk outside the theater across the road. He used to stand outside of our grocery and if he couldn't hear the audience applauding you got the sack. I had a bit of luck, he got run over."
I wonder what it will be like when I'm 80 years old, it's only another 30 years (sarcastically to audience laugh). I thought to myself I'll probably be in a home for old actors, broke and destitute. Cause my family are working on it."
The thing that has mystified me for years. The ways the American popular singers snap their fingers while they sing. I was very curious about this and I found out why they do it. It happens like this they stand in the wings waiting to come on. The master of ceremonies he introduces them. Invariably they are chewing gum, a little nervous you see. So as soon as he introduces them they take the gum out of their mouth and throw it away and it doesn't always leave their fingers. So they spend the whole chorus trying to get rid of it like this (snapping fingers).
Jack Benny: By the way Max how was your trip coming over?
Max Bygraves: Well Jack I hate to complain, but since you brought it up, that was some transportation you furnished me.
Jack: Why what was wrong with it?
Max: What was wrong with it? The boat had to wait 3 days in Brazil while they had to load the bananas.
Jack: Oh it was a banana boat?
Max: Well I had to do is bring my own corn flakes they had the rest.
Jack: Well no wonder I didn't have any trouble getting you a reservation.
Max: Believe me Jack, you didn't need a reservation on that boat, once you walk up the plank if they can't peel you they give you a room.
Jack: Well at least you got a room.
Max: But my manager wasn't so fortunate. When he came aboard he had yellow jaundice. He spent 3 hours hanging on a hook.
Jack: Well, I guess we got as much as we could out of that banana routine.
Max: Yeah, In England we wouldn't have even started it.
Jack: Well now that your here thats the important thing. Now are you enjoying your visit?
Max: Yes, I love it probably because my great great grandfather came from America.
Jack: Oh reallly, is that so, what was his name?
Max: Benedict Arnold.
Jack: Benedict Arnold the American traitor?
Max: No Benedict Arnold the British hero.