Lee Evans Stand Up Jokes
"I like it when the waiter askes you if you want parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!"
Bluetooth? It looks like a tusk, as though you've had a fight with a walrus and lost.
"I love restaurants, and that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants...home made cooking...I don't want home made cooking, that's why I'm here! 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah...you know! And they don't say who's home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!"
(talking about fizzy drinks) "Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like KABOOM"
"Peanuts! What happened to peanuts! Now every buggers allergic to peanuts! It's true, you open a packet of peanuts now, and a bunch of five year olds in a five mile radius slam to the floor, jabbing themselves with fucking adreniline!"
"I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, fucking YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be pissed off if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"
"I tried water polo and my horse drowned...that was a nightmare."
"The thing that my wife is into now, and its fucking doing my head in it really is...pebbles. Pebbles! She collects them. No I dont mean ordinary pebbles, fuck it, I mean, varnished ones, in a dish! Is 'where did you go on a weekend love' 'Skimming!'"
"My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, 'Who's that calling at this time?' I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"
"Parcelforce! Parcelforce, Parcelforce, Parcelforce, Paaaaarcelforce! We Will Get This Package To You! Fuck Off!"
Your at your car and you forget your keys, you go back in to look for them.
You get into the kitchin and say to yourself
"What did i come in here for, what you asking you for you dont fucking know"
You find your keys and go out to the car
And you wife says "Isnt it funny, their always in the last place you look"
"Well i wouldnt find them and KEEP FUCKING LOOKING"
Big Live at the O2 (2008)
People tell me, "Lee, you should take up golf. It's good for you." You know what I say to that? "Fuck off."
In those old hotels, everything creaks: Argh, argh, argh. Even the door: Argh! You can always hear the bloke above you moving around, and when it's three in the morning you turn into his wife: "That's the fourth time tonight. Go back to fucking bed!"
They're making us pay a fortune for electricity, ya know. They reckon we should save the planet, save electricity and all that sort of stuff. Oh, yeah, I'm loving this shit they're coming out with! You got the Chinese bellowing out shit for coal-fired power stations, the Americans are driving about in 4x4 Humvees, Las Vegas is lit up like a giant Christmas tree, but they reckon if I switch off this little standby button on my TV...
Some footballers earn a fortune. 30 grand, 40 grand, 90 grand a week, some of them. And then they say stuff in interviews like "I'm not really enjoying the football at the moment." Not enjoying the football? 90 grand a week? I'd be fucking delirious with it! I wouldn't just hug somebody for scoring a goal, I'd shag 'em.
Luv can we off off, not off off but fuck off.
Why are all the dogs at dog shows really nice dogs? You never see a pit bull with a ribbon 'round his head, going "If you say one fucking word..."
XL Tour Live (2005)
I love restaurants. And that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants: "Home-made cooking." I don't want home-made cooking. That's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say whose home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!
You know, you get these people that are, like, "Here, I was talking to her on Monday... Was it Tuesday? Was it Thurs-?" "Who cares? Just tell me what they fucking said!" I hate them fuckers! They say stuff like, "Feels like a Tuesday. Does it feel like a Tuesday? Yeah, feels like a Tuesday." I don't know! How the fuck does Tuesday feel? They're like, "It's half past five, but it only feels like twelve." Fucking hell, do these people forget to go to bed because they already think they're asleep?
What happened to all the family butchers? People complain there's no family butchers around anymore. Well, they're fucking mad! It's the only shop in the high street where you walk in and some bloke's covered in blood, mutilating an animal! Before you walk in, they're like that: "Grrr, GAAAH, FUCKING-" [imitates chopping motions] Soon as you walk in they're, like, "Good morning, how are you? Okay, goodbye!" You ever seen them unloading the delivery van, the freezer lorry? They get out a side of cow. Where's the other side? Is there, like, a cow still grazing in a field with a fucking side missing?
Our grandparents fucking ate anything put in front of them! Your granddad would say "What's for tea, love?" "Tripe!" "Oooooohh! Animal stomach lining for fucking tea, man!" They ate anything, fucking monkey's phlegm, orangutan's bollocks. I dunno, I'm just making them up now... chicken's quiff!... Bird's arse, ya know!
You ever get lost with your wife in the car? You're completely lost, and they always say the same thing: "Oh, let's just go home." "We're fucking lost! What, did you throw bread out the fucking window?"
Wired & Wonderful at Wembley (2002)
I said to my wife "If I ever get like that, ya know, mumbling to myself and shitting my pants, shoot me." She said "Fucking run, monkey boy!"
My phone will ring at three in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that, we wouldn't need the bloody phone!
[About doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five, and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No, you fuckin' won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"
This bloke, I swear he's in any supermarket car park. He's great. He walks across the car park, and he's got one of those fobs, and he opens his car before he gets there. [posh voice] "Ha, ha, ha! I don't know if you saw what I just did there, but I actually opened my car door before I actually physically got there!"
All blokes get to that stage when they get bigger than their dad, like fourteen/fifteen, and he can't hit you no more. And he's, like, "Go to your room!" And you're, like, [high-pitched voice] "Nah! Fucking nah, Dad! [imitates smoking] Things are gonna change around 'ere." Now he didn't hit me, but it took a team of surgeons to remove that fag from my arse.
The Different Planet Tour (1996)
I don't come out on film. I get the red eye. Blokes like that: [imitates knocking someone out] "You fuckin' will in a minute, ya twat!"
TGI Friday's, American style restaurant. Well, they're mental, they're mental. I dunno. It's American, "Have a nice day" and everything. So I go in, sit in a booth. This bloke comes out of the kitchen and went [in a high-pitched voice] "HI!" [imitates fireworks whistling] "Yes, you are, aren't you?" What are they on in there? They must be in the kitchen, going [imitates snorting cocaine] "HIGH! WHAT CAN I DO FER YOU?" "You can fuck off!" "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO FUCK OFF?" "With a punch up the neck, get out of it!" I've figured out a way to get them back: be the same as them, just before you go in, get yourself a band and go like "HI!" They come round there, like, "H-... OH, MY GOD, THE SAME AS US!"
Jed Exodus, sounds like he's gonna go get changed in a phone box [posh heroic American voice] "WATCH OUT FOR JED EXODUS... I AM THE PISSER... I CAN FILL A HOLE IN NO TIME." That's where he's probably just gone now, out to prevent a crime. "HEY YOU, GET AWAY FROM THAT WOMAN AND STOP MUGGING HER." "All right mate, all right." "THERE YOU GO, MADAM, YOU CAN GO ON YOUR WAY, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS."
The Happy Eater! They're miserable as fuck! You go in the Happy Eater, you'll see a woman behind the counter at the deep fat frier like this [sobs] "DON'T ASK FOR CHIPS! [sobs louder] I FUCKIN' HATE CHIPS!" "Chips with this, chips with that... chips with me an' all." I'll stick me head in the deep fat frier in a minute: "Chips with this, chips with that..."