I was reading the paper the other day because my neighbor got up late.
I had a girl put on crotchless britches for my birthday one time. I come home, she was like, "want some of this right here." i go, "No, look what it did to your underbritches over there."
I'm on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.
Ever drive down the highway and a policeman gets up behind you? Then everybody goes two by two behind him. He's like the interstate pace car. Then he gets off at the exits and we're back to green flag racing!
One year my dad bought my mom a mood ring. Them things work pretty good. When she was in a good mood it was blue and when she was in a bad mood it made a red mark upside my dad's head.
What happened to airplane attendants being cute? What the hell happened to that? Them girls were so ugly they would make Ray Charles flinch.
This a Song I wrote about my girlfriend. She cheated on me with another man. It's called "I Can't Get Over You til You Get Out From Under Him."
I was living with a girl for eight months, until she found out I was living with her (or "...until she found out I was there...")
I was dating a red-head once, no red-hair, just a red-head. It was her birthday and I thought it would be cool to light my farts, and it caught her hair. I called the Fire Department but they said they couldn't get to us so we had to meet them halfway. I was lucky I passed a couple of red lights or we would've lost the whole kitchen.
My sister was getting married, and she's a big ol' sum. Her friends were about as fat as she is and she bought them all matching brown dresses. They looked like a bunch of UPS trucks parked in the middle of the parking lot.
I once tipped a stripper with Monopoly money, and after that she said "That's fake money!" I said "Alright, well them's fake"
I wanna do the world's biggest "Git-R-Done". So on the count of three... wait a minute. I'm in Houston, so on the count of tres...
I went out with this one girl, and she scared me. One day she says to me "Soon you're gonna hear the pitter-patter of little feet!" and I'm thinking, "Oh Lord, she's pregnant"... She ended up leavin' me for a midget.
You know gas is expensive when you see street gangs doing walk-bys.
I went jogging last week. I didn't want to, my car broke down in a crappy neighborhood. I lost eight pounds and my rims.
This guy goes to his doctor one day and the doctor says, "I have bad news, and worse news." He says, "What's the bad news?" The doctor says, "You got 24 hours to live." He says, "What's the worse news?" Doctor says, "I forgot to call you yesterday."
Morning Constitutions (2007 album)
Out in San Fransisco, this is what they've got, a gay Mafia. If you're in a gay Mafia and get whacked, is that good or bad? [gay tone] "Say hello to my little friend!"
I dated this retarded woman once but we broke up, we couldn't agree on anything. I'd say "tomato", she'd say "bowling shoes!"
Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?
A friend of mine went fishing and caught a rainbow trout, but he threw it back 'cause he said he didn't want a gay fish.
[about Fruit of the Loom] What does fruit have to do with underwear? Except I guess when you pull your underwear down you go, "Oh, I should've eaten more fruit."
My mom went to that same doctor and got a butt lift. It's a little too lifted, I think, alright. Now every time she farts only dogs can hear it.
I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, "Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!"
Larry The Cable Guy Movie Quotes
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): What in tarnation?
Omar: Get you fucking hands up!
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): I should have known you was a Nazi!
Omar: Nazi? You stupid inbred country hick retard! I'm Hezbollah!
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Then I guess this'll have to be settled 'mano e mano'. Get your dukes up!
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Ah. Boy, Connie, you know what your malts do to me?
Connie: Countin' on it, darlin'. I get off in an hour.
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Ain't gonna take that long. I got Crisco at my house.
Arthur Grimsley: Well played, for a hillbilly.
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Hey, I won. That means I get to go to your big hoedown tonight.
Arthur Grimsley: In your dreams.
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): No, I dream about getting a nut rub from Scarlett Johansson. That ain't gonna happen.
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): How can I trust you?
Wilford Duvall: Trust me?
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Yeah, trust you.
Wilford Duvall: Trust this.
[Duval pulls out a gun, Larry passes gas]
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Oh. That was a fear fart.
Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Hey, what's going on Donnie?
Donnie: Hey, Larry. You wanna play?
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): You know what? I can't. I'm late and I gotta get something to eat. My boss is a dickweed.
Donnie: Dickweed. Dickweed. Dickweed!
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Ms. Macechelli was dilling his pickle
Jane Whitley: Dilling his pickle?
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Chucking his corn.
Amy Butlin: Chucking his corn?
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Trimming his tree.
Jane Whitley: Trimming his tree?
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Branching his limb.
Amy Butlin: Branching his limb?
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Oh, I can do this all day.
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): That'll go down faster than a bottle of Vicodin at Courtney Love's house.
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): [Jane farts] Ooh, I bet that left a mark.
[Jane farts louder]
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Sounds like you got something honking for the right of way.
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): [when Everette wakes up wearing a dress] Everette, that's another reason you shouldn't drink tequilla.
Everette: [sees the dress] Damn, this always happens when I eat the worm.
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): A couple days ago I had more problems than a cub scout at the Neverland Ranch.
Karen: It's not your baby.
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): I don't understand.
Woman at Cowboy Frank's: It means she's got a bun in her oven that ain't your recipe. Now, is the salad bar still free though?
Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): Why would you care? Doesn't look like you've had a salad all your life.