Ken Dodd Stand Up Jokes
"Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.
Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!
I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer.
Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.
I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
My Dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, 'Is this a joke?'
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I've done some brave things in my time. I played Nottingham Labour Club. I was the one who shouted 'Three cheers for Mrs Thatcher'. And it was during the bingo.
Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it.
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her.
In this show tonight there is one enemy, time, and I'm here to fight it.
First things First, let me introduce myself ladies and gentlemen, I am Kenneth Arthur Dodd artist, model and failed accountant.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson.'
These beautiful girls here are on the peanut and melon diet, the peanuts aren't working but by god.......
I' ve seen a topless lady ventriloquist - Nobody has ever seen her lips move!
I wanted to take the dog to obedience class but it wouldn't go.
I'm a sex symbol for women who don't care.
Monday morning, I woke up and there was this beautiful blonde girl with a suntan, I asked her have you been here all night? She said "Shut and finish your dream".
Have you seen the Millenium wheel, the big wheel, wait til you see the size of the hamster.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I call a theater. This is a place where you can sleep in comfort, and you will I promise you.
I thought it would be a good idea to go into Politics, maybe I am a little old... but you know... I'd love to be Chancellor of the Exchequer - That way I'll be united with my money!
When asked if Ken believed in safe sex his answer came: 'Of course I do; I have an Iron Bar around the bed!
Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn's cocktail party? He pulled a mussel.
I always feel home at theaters like this because were about the same age.
I've never wronged an onion, so why does it make me cry.
I think it would be a very good idea if all the ugly ones sat near the front....Oh you have......
I do all the exercises every morning in front of the television - up, down, up, down, up, down. Then the other eyelid.