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Katt Williams Jokes


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Ladies, you’ve got to be the shit to you. Stop waiting on a nigga to verify if you’re the shit or not. We’re tired of y’all blaming us for shit we ain’t even in control of. You’ve done got with a nigga and now you talking about, “You fucked up my self esteem.” Bitch, it’s called self esteem! How the fuck can I fuck up how you feel about you, simple bitch?

Don’t give me that shit that weed’s a drug. It ain’t no motherfuckin’ drug. I’ve done the research. It’s just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire…

"We got our soldiers fighting gangsta niggas. Them terrorists is gangsta. How the fuck you gonna scare somebody that wanna die? Like: 'I'll kill your mothafuckin ass.' 'Thank you very much.' What the fuck ?"

"You don't believe our government gangsta? Tell me what the Iraqi uniform look like. [short pause] Don't worry, I'll wait. We ain't killin' they army nigga, we killin' them. We over there killin' niggas in tank tops, sweatpants, flip-flops and a cowboy hat. You shouldn't have been talkin' shit."

"Never in the history of niggadom."

"Just soon they see you, just 'Nigga, nigga, nigga. Remember that shit I gave you last week, nigga? It's nothing, nigga. It's nothing. Nigga, it's nothing. This shit right here, nigga! This shit right here, nigga! Right here, this shit nigga!' Always has some fucked up name. 'It's kryptakronakunnalite, nigga!'

"We be like Shiiiit. Play it again play it again. Shiiiit. Them mothafuckas we can't be bullshit with them. We gotta get our soldiers away from them mothafuckas."

Katt Williams Movie Quotes

First Sunday

Rickey (Katt Williams): What kinda name is LeeJohn anyway?
LeeJohn: My mom had two boyfriends, Lee and John. She didn't know who my daddy was, so she named me LeeJohn.
Rickey (Katt Williams): [after a pause] I dunno if I would have shared that.

Choir Member #3: I'm hungry, too!
Rickey (Katt Williams): When are you not hungry?

Timmy: What's a hostage?
Rickey (Katt Williams): Hostage is what we were down in that basement for 4 1/2 hours. I'ma need therapy or something.

Norbit

Pope Sweet Jesus: It's raining little white women.
Lord Have Mercy (Katt Williams): My prayers have been answered!
Pope Sweet Jesus: She'd better move, 'cause my prayers are for a Cadillac.

Pope Sweet Jesus: Poor Norbit. Man. Back when I was in the game, used to tell my hos, "Hos, ain't no man gonna pay for the cow if he can get the milk for free." You ain't gonna worry about this brother buying the milk, 'cause he just bought the whole damn cow.
Lord Have Mercy (Katt Williams): That's a special cow, too. That must be where butter milk come from.

Pope Sweet Jesus: ...Now speakin of ribs, and pleasure...
Lord Have Mercy (Katt Williams): Uh, yes, for a limited time only, we are proud to present to you our barbequed, baby back, horseradish, mustard, and peanut butter encrusted ribs with a slight Jagermeister infusion, sprinkled with chammomile leaves, with a horseradish and dandelion salad, on a bed of rice. Buy one Pimp Platter, get the whole bones free.
Deion Hughes: Ah, ah, ah, ah. No, no, no, no, no! That's enough talking. It's time to get back to the wedding.
Pope Sweet Jesus: It ain't never enough talkin' when you're talkin' about love, brother.


Friday After Next

Money Mike (Katt Williams): [Damon splashes water on Money Mike] Did you pee on me?
Damon: Wake yo' bitch-ass up, lucky charms. I like my fish wet and squirmy.
Money Mike (Katt Williams): I thought I was dreaming. You almost drowned me, nigga.
Damon: Oh, you're dreaming. This is a wet dream.

Money Mike (Katt Williams): Hold up, wait a minute, let me put some pimpin' in it.

Damon: [while Money Mike has plyers on his testicles] ya know maybe we can get to know each other
Money Mike (Katt Williams): Shut up! The hell you talkin bout! I am a boy! You are not in prison anymore Damon! Thats not how we do it!
[Squeezes plyers]

Money Mike (Katt Williams): Do y'all got a bathroom up in here? I gotta piss like a Russian racehorse at the Kentucky Derby with a glue truck behind it.
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