The Queen of the Barbed One-liners
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.
I was the only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighborhood. They all did Hail Marys, I did Hail Murrays.
I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
Not all plastic surgeons are good. My cousin went to one and told him she wanted to turn back the hands of time. Now she has a face that could stop a clock.
Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there, but they don't want to visit.
I wish I had a twin so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.
When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, "Will she live?" He said, "Only if you take your foot off her throat."
My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, "Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep."
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, "The man goes on top and the woman underneath." For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, "I don't believe it."
California is druggy, druggy, druggy. If it is white and it is on the table, they are gonna sniff it. I have a friend who O.D.ed in the beauty shop on dandruff.
The women in California, they get scared. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, "He's flashing! He's flashing!" In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss.
Stevie Wonder, that poor son of a bitch. Who's going to tell him he's wearing a macramé plant holder on his head?
Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn't mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.
Elizabeth Taylor is so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk.
I was so flat, I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here." I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
I blame myself for David Gest. It was me who told Liza Minnelli to find herself a man who wouldn't sleep with other women.
The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest — most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish-looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed together, kind of like Renée Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.
The most beautiful women in the world are always the dumbest. The most beautiful woman in the whole world, Bo Derek … This woman is an idiot. She studies for her Pap test.
I was dating a proctologist with a sense of humor. We'd go out for drinks, he'd go, "Bottoms up."
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."
I was dating a football player. He was so dumb. The man could not count to 21 unless he was naked.
Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born ... He should have been there when it was conceived.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
The Simpsons (Annie Dubinsky)
Annie Dubinsky: I was so devastated I didn't sleep with a clown for five months.
Homer Simpson: What about mimes?
Annie Dubinsky: Come on, I'm not made of stone.
Annie Dubinsky is a veteran agent and a helper of Krusty the Clown in the episode "The Ten-Per-Cent Solution".