Jim Gaffigan Jokes

Jim Gaffigan Stand Up Jokes

It is amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? "What the?... Has someone been kidnapped?"

I love how New York is so multi-cultural. I wish I was ethnic. "Cause if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, "He's got a Latin temper." But if you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, "That guy's a jerk."

When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, "Bottled water! Ha ha, they're selling bottled water! I guess I'll try it… Ahh… this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

I come from a very large family - nine parents.

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice." But if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.'

I think it'd be great if you had a kid that ended up being pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. 'Oh, your son's a doctor? Yeah, ours is pope. Oh, they have a house? He has his own city.'

Have you ever had somebody not ask for directions but demand them. You're just walking down the street, you hear a horn -- some guy's like, 'Holland Tunnel!' You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions; suddenly, you're wasting his time. 'Let's go, buddy -- Holland Tunnel!'

My favorite animal is the manatee, the sea cow. Have you ever seen that animal? The manatee is endangered, and I think it's because it's out of shape. It looks like a retired football player.

You ever look for the remote control, you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, it looks like I'm not watching TV.'

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana -- mafia.

When you don't drink, people always need to know why. They're like, 'You don't drink? Why?' This never happens with anything else. 'You don't use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it OK if I use mayonnaise?'

You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, 'How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.'

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

I'm from a very large family -- nine parents.

My favorite channel is the Lifetime Channel because Lifetime is television for women -- Lifetime: Television for Women. Yet, for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel.

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor -- you ever just look at the letter and go, 'Hm, looks like they're never getting this. Takes too much energy to go outside.'

You think when gym teachers are younger, they're thinking, 'You know I want to teach, but I don't want to read'?

I wish I was ethnic; I'm nothing. 'Cause if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper.' But if you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, 'Oh, they're nice,' but if a stranger's ugly, you're like, 'What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.'

I never have free time. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line front of you -- you get kind of flustered? You're like 'Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I've got things to do.'

Parents get burned out in big families. You can even see it in the naming of children. It's always, like, the first kid: 'You were named after Grandma'; the seventh kid: 'You were named after a sandwich I had. I loved that. Now, get your brother Reuben.'

You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm like, 'Not for me. I'm done.'

You ever notice that when people are thinking in movies, they're always chewing on the end of their glasses? Like, 'If we give the alien a cold...'. You know what they're really thinking? 'This tastes likes wax.'

I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad - not to say I'm not guilty of that at times. ... I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

Jim Gaffigan Movie Quotes

Super Troopers

[Foster and Mac have pulled a man over for speeding and are deciding what game to play]
Mac: All right, how about "Cat Game?"
Foster: Cat Game? What's the record?
Mac: Thorny did six, but I think you can do ten.
Foster: Ten? Starting right 'meow?'
[Mac laughs - they walk up to the car, and Foster taps on the driver side]
Larry Johnson (Jim Gaffigan): Sorry about the...
Foster: All right meow. (1) Hand over your license and registration.
[the man hands him his license]
Foster: Your registration? Hurry up meow. (2)
[Mac ticks off two fingers]
Larry Johnson (Jim Gaffigan): Sorry.
[the man laughs a little]
Foster: Is there something funny here boy?
Larry Johnson (Jim Gaffigan): Oh, no.
Foster: Then why you laughing, Mister... Larry Johnson?
Foster: All right meow, (3) where were we?
Larry Johnson (Jim Gaffigan): Excuse me, are you saying meow?
Foster: Am I saying meow?
[Mac puts his hands up for the fourth one, but makes an "eehhh" facial expression, as he is considering the last one]
Larry Johnson (Jim Gaffigan): I thought...
Foster: Don't think boy. Meow, (4) do you know how fast you were going?
[man laughs]
Foster: Meow. (5) What is so damn funny?
Larry Johnson (Jim Gaffigan): I could have sworn you said meow.
Foster: Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree?
[Mac is gut-busting laughing]
Foster: Am I drinking milk from a saucer?
[feigned anger]
Foster: Do you see me eating mice?
Foster: [Mac and the man are laughing their heads off now] You stop laughing right meow! (6)
Larry Johnson (Jim Gaffigan): [the man stops and swallows hard] Yes sir.
Foster: Meow, (7) I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one. No buts meow. (8) It's the law.
[rips off the ticket and hands it to the man]
Foster: Not so funny meow, (9) is it?
Foster: [Foster gets up to leave, but Mac shakes his hands at him, indicating only nine meows] Meow! (10)

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