Jerry Clower Stand Up Jokes
Three bulls are standing around overlooking a field full of cows when they overhear the farmer tell one of the cowhands to get the trailer ready to pick up a new bull.
The old bull snorts and says, "I'm a tellin' ya what, there ain't but fifty cows here that are mine and if'n that new bull thinks he's a gettin' any of my cows, well, he's got another think comin'."
The second bull says, "There ain't but 30 cows here that are mine and that new bull sure ain't get any of my cows."
The young bull says, "There ain't but 10 cows here that even know me, but I sure ain't lettin' that new bull have any of 'em."
A few hours later a tractor trailer arrives and the bulls listen as the air brakes let out a whoosh, then the trailer doors open and and the gate lowers what has to be the biggest, meanest, orneriest looking brahma bull they've ever seen. Great big hump on his back, huge horns, froth dripping from his jowls as he stamps and paws at the ground.
The old bull says, "Ya know, I've been thinkin, it's mighty selfish of me to keep all them cows for myself, I might just part with a few of 'em to be neighborly."
The second bull says, "Ya know, I'm thinkin the same thing, no need for me to keep all thirty of them cows to myself, gets to be a mite tiresome."
The young bull lets out a huge snort and starts stamping and pawin' at the ground, raisin' a huge ruckus.
The old bull says, "Woo boy, what's a matter with you? Don't you know that new bull will kill you?"
The young bull says, "I'm just makin' sure that he knows that I'm a bull..."
You can grow as much corn on a crooked row as on a straight one.
"I don't tell funny stories, I tell stories funny"
This story I am about to tell ye, the inspiration comes to me from the Lieutenant Governor of the great state of Georgia, Mr. Zell Miller! That's right!
I grow'd up at Route 4, Liberty, Mississippi. (Miss-sip-peh) The country seat town was a small town: Volunteer fire department. It was in the middle of the summer, big drought, no water, everybody knew if a building caught on fire (f-ah-re) it 'as gone. Cause there wasn't no water, they just couldn't draw it up fast enough to put out no fire.
One Saturday evenin' a building caught on fire.
Commenced to burnin'.
The crowd gathered with their arms folded. Squallin'. Watching the building burn, cause there ain't no water. Bout that time here come Uncle Vercy Ledbetter and Aunt (ain't) Pet in their ol' truck. Had all of the youngin's with 'um: Ardel, Burnel, Raynel, W.L. (dub-yell), Lanel, Odell, Eudel, Marcel, Claude, Newgene, and Clovis. They 's all hangin' on that ol' truck. Waaagh!
Everybody heard 'um comin', the fenders rattlin': [sounds of flopping fender: blopgablopgablopgablopgablopga]! Here they come!
An' the crowd parted cause they 'as comin' pretty fast. An' they run right up on the sidewalk, an right up in the middle of the fire. Into the fire! An' they jumped off and took off their overhaul jumpers an went to floppin' and stompin' the fire: whalm!
Puttin' it out.
Aunt Pet Ledbetter had her bonnet, tellin 'um "'ho stomp over here, (he-y-ah) get (geet) it out!" whomp whomp!
And they stomped the fire out! They put it slap out!
The folks cheered, "Haaawg! The Ledbetter's, they're heroes! (h-E-rows) They put out the fire."
They passed a hat, took up a collection, took up 31 dollars. Give the money to Uncle Vercy, and said "Sir, we love you, you are a hero." Said, "Tell us, what are you going to buy with the 31 dollars?"
He said "The first thing I'm gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that truck!"
A lot of people in this country have bought books defining what a redneck is.
I saw one the other day, had a thousand different things that you can look for to identify a redneck.
Well let a good ole boy give ya just a few ways you can know a redneck.
And you don't need to buy no book.
Well let me tell ya on the front, I've never seen a redneck that didn't have a job. He was workin' at somethin'. Cause he just had to have enough money to go by and visit with his friends at one of them places side the road fore he goes home in the evenin'.
So you can rest assured 100% of the time that a mans always a redneck if he's got a bunch of ole second hand cars and just half of 'em will crank.
You know a man is a redneck if the front porch falls, it'll always kill about four dogs.
You know a man is a redneck if his mama keeps a spit-can on the ironin' board.
You know a man is a redneck if his mama has got in a fistfight at a high school sporting event. I've seen 'em walk in the sheriffs office and say, "Sheriff, please let my mama outta jail. I's the one that started that fight."
And you know a man is a redneck if there's two boys in the same family named Jr.
You know a man is a redneck when he calls sardines and spam Hors d'uvres.