Jeff Foxworthy Jokes

Jeff Foxworthy Stand Up Jokes

People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."
Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.
Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy

Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to walk out onto the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna take a nap now."
Jeff Foxworthy (You Might Be a Redneck If... )

My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."
Jeff Foxworthy (You Might Be a Redneck If... )

The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, preferably in their boss's front yard... But it's better than the system we used to use: "Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! C'mon, whaddaya say? We'll buy ya a beer!"
Jeff Foxworthy (Games Rednecks Play)

you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, "You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty!"
Jeff Foxworthy (Games Rednecks Play)

You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
Jeff Foxworthy (Totally Committed)

Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.
Jeff Foxworthy (Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered)

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
Jeff Foxworthy (Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered)

I've said before that working with Larry is kind of like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After about five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.
Jeff Foxworthy (Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered)

When I get into the shower, there is nobody else in the bathroom. Now, when I get out there are five girls just loitering. I finally confronted them. I said "Why are all five of you in the bathroom?" And my youngest daughter, who's really funny, goes "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!" I said "I'm gonna tell you all you need to know about hoo-hoos. Hoo-hoos are extremely poisonous." And without missing a beat, she goes "they are not, or the dog would be dead!" I hate a smart child.
Jeff Foxworthy (Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered)

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers . . . I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!
Jeff Foxworthy (Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered)

It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went "Oww! What was that for?", and she goes "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy."
Jeff Foxworthy (Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered)

You Might be a Redneck If:

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

You own a home that is mobile, and fourteen cars that aren't.

Your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit. (Jeff then adds, "A little finger pointing going on in the audience.")

You've been on television more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.

You have used a bar stool as a walker. (Ron White raises his hand)

You have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house. (Jeff raises his hand after Bill, Larry, and Ron point at him - Bill even holds up four fingers)

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your Christmas ornaments are made out of spent shot-gun shells.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You've ever bought a used cap.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You've never paid for a haircut.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

You tape phone numbers on the back of your cell phone.

Your front and back door are on the same hinge

You stare at a box of orange juice in the morning that said concentrate on it .

Your eating duck and it still has a pulse.

You own a Waffle House credit card.

You smoked during your wedding.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.

You think "fast food" is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour.

You've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

You see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

An episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.

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