Jeff Dunham Jokes
Jeff Dunham Stand Up Jokes
Jeff Dunham: Sometimes [my wife] calls me the 'the Hurricane'.
Walter: The what??
Jeff Dunham: The Hurricane.
Walter: Oh yeah, I get it. Exciting at first, then it ends in disaster. You know, maybe she should call you FEMA. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
Jeff Dunham: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.
Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? 'Was it good for you?' 'I don't remember'. 'It was three minutes ago!', 'Who are you?!?'.
Walter: I could get a real job.
Jeff Dunham: What would you do?
Walter: I want to be a greeter at Wal-mart.
Jeff Dunham: Wal-mart, huh? What would be your opening line?
Walter: 'Welcome to Wal-mart. Get your s**t and get out. Have a nice day'.
Jeff Dunham: Well if reincarnation happens, who would you come back as and what would you do?
Walter: I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone.
Peanut: I think it'd be cool to be a ventriloquist.
Jeff Dunham: Why's that?
Peanut: I'd go to a lot of funerals. 'Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today' 'I'm not dead yet! Let me out of here! You son-of-a...'
Walter: My wife and I couldn't find any place to park anywhere near this stinkin' joint. And some jerk pulled up in a brand new Mercedes and pulled right into the handicap spot. He got out of the car and there was nothin' wrong with him, don't you hate that? So I ran his ass over. I made an honest man out of him! And his mother got out of the other side and started swinging her crutches at me -- took her out with the door.
Jeff Dunham: Don't you feel kinda bad?
Walter: Ah hell, they can carpool.
Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: She's getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: She's aging like milk.
Jeff Dunham: Well, did they say it would be only female virgins?
Achmed: Holy Crap! Wait... I could have Clay Aiken!
Jeff Dunham: Did you get the tattoo?
Walter: Hell no.
Jeff Dunham: Well if you had, what would you have gotten?
Walter: I would have gotten a beautiful woman's face.
Jeff Dunham: Ah, and where would you have put it?
Walter: On my wife's face.
Jeff Dunham: Penicillin for Valentine's Jeff Dunham and Walter Jeff Dunham: Happy VD.
Walter: It was funny in junior high, and it's still funny now. I was going to buy you chocolates, but I could only afford the penicillin.
Jeff Dunham: You're afraid of offending people?
Achmed: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: You're a terrorist. You kill people.
Achmed: That's different. Killing people is easy; being politically correct is a pain in the ass.
Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee is good for your sex life.
Jeff Dunham: Oh, and is it?
Walter: No. It kept me awake for the whole damn thing. I actually had to participate!
Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee is good for your sex life.
Jeff Dunham: Oh, and is it?
Walter: No. It kept me awake for the whole damn thing. I actually had to participate!
Jeff Dunham: I like Aquaman. He can breathe underwater and talk to fish.
Melvin: Yeah, great. He has all the same powers as Spongebob.
Jeff Dunham: How about the Hulk?
Melvin: Why do you like the Hulk?
Jeff Dunham: Well, the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets.
Melvin: Yeah, like every white-trash guy on Cops.
Jeff Dunham: Well if reincarnation happens, who would you come back as and what would you do?
Walter: I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone.
Walter: [referring to his argument on the phone with his wife] You heard a little of that, didn't ya?
Jeff Dunham: Oh yeah.
Walter: I hung up on her.
Jeff Dunham: Not good.
Walter: Yeah. She called back and she's like "Did you hang up on me?" I said "I don't know, did it sound something like this - CLICK!"
Jeff Dunham: Did that make her angry?
Walter: Oh, I felt a disturbance in the Force!
Jeff Dunham: How are you doing, Walter?
Walter: What the hell happened to your hair? It looks like you were in a freakin' car wreck.
Jeff Dunham: Well, they said it makes me look hip.
Walter: I think it makes you look homeless! Been in D.C. for two days and you're already freakin' homeless!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Knock, knock.
Jeff Dunham: Who's there?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Me, I kill you!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Two Jews walk in a bar...
Jeff Dunham: No. No.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What?
Jeff Dunham: No.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: What? You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard!
Jeff Dunham: You know, they're putting a lot more National Guard on the border between the U.S. and Mexico. Does this concern you?
Jos� Jalape�o: No, se�or.
Jeff Dunham: Why not?
Peanut: He's already here! You really are an idiot!
Jeff Dunham: So, Jos�, are you here on a temporary visa? Are you here on a work visa?
Peanut: He's here on a stick!
Jeff Dunham: You enjoy being in this country?
Jos� Jalape�o: Sometimes I'm afraid for my life.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Peanut: Taco Bell!
Jeff Dunham: So you're Muslim?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I don't think so.
Jeff Dunham: You don't think you're Muslim?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No.
Jeff Dunham: Why not?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Look at my ass. It says: "Made in China".
Jeff Dunham: One more superhero: Batman.
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Oh...
Jeff Dunham: What?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Grown men wearing a rubber suit... hanging around with a young boy! I don't need to have x-ray vision to see what the hell is going on there!
Jeff Dunham: Yeah, I've always wondered about superheroes and their young men sidekicks.
Melvin the Superhero Guy: [stares at Jeff] You have five men in a suitcase and one of them is on a stick! Who's sliding down the proverbial back pole now? If you had a theme song, it would be, "La lala laaaaaa!"
Jeff Dunham: You know I have a wife and three kids.
Melvin the Superhero Guy: So does Tom Cruise!
Jeff Dunham: Just sit still.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Okay, I will not move my ass.
Walter: [from the suitcase] You idiot, you don't have an ass!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Is that Walter?
Jeff Dunham: Yes.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: He scares the crap out of me! Please do not put me back in the same suitcase!
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: He has gas. Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart!
Jeff Dunham: Does your wife have any powers?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Yes, really, uh-huh.
Jeff Dunham: What are they?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Well, once a month... she becomes "evil!" And I cannot defeat her! Our children run in terror! Our big dog cowers under the couch!
Jeff Dunham: You have a big dog?
Melvin the Superhero Guy: Well, actually, I borrowed your chihuahua.
Jeff Dunham: Look, if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting through security at the airports?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, that's easy. They open the case, and I go "Hello! I am Lindsay Lohan!"
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I'm kidding. I would not kill the Jews. No. I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I did the same thing with 2 Catholic priests, but I tossed in a small boy! Yes! Yes! And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson!
Jeff Dunham: You can't tell jokes like that!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Why not? I'm killing... so to speak!
Jeff Dunham: referring to the "suicide bomber training camp": Is that a nice facility?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It used to be!
Jeff Dunham: What happened?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: New guy! The idiot tried to practice!
Jeff Dunham: What did you guys learn from that?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!
Jeff Dunham: Jos�, I must say you speak English very well.
Jos� Jalape�o: Gracias, Se�or.
Jeff Dunham: What were some of the first phrases you learned in English?
Peanut: "Will you help me push my car?" "Does this I.D. look real to you?"
Jeff Dunham: Will you stop it?
Peanut: "Where's the nearest Home Depot?"
Jeff Dunham: Stop it!
Jos� Jalape�o: Actually, that last one was true.
Jeff Dunham: So Achmed, what exactly happened to you?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone. Can you here me now?
[Imitates explosion]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes.
Jeff Dunham: That's too bad.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It's okay, I took that Verizon bastard with me.
Jeff Dunham: So um, what's it like to die? Do you see a white light?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: If you're dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes.
Jeff Dunham: No, I mean some people say they see a white light. What did you see?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I saw flying car parts.
Jeff Dunham: What as the last thing that went though your mind?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: My ass.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Walter told me to tell that joke.
Jeff Dunham: So you never saw a white light?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: No, but I saw a blue Prius!
I tell you boy, the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.