Jackie Mason Stand Up Jokes
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
"It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!'"
"Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible."
"I've never heard of an Israeli going out as a suicide bombers to kill Palestinians. I never saw anybody offer more peace to the Palestinians. Palestinians, many of them that are our enemies, we still invite them to live in our own country, endangering our own lives to give them equal pay on equal jobs and health care benefits and all kinds of benefits. When an Arab is hurt, even trying to kill us, we give them the best hospitals, the best medical care. We make them partners in our own Parliament, and we're persecuting them? This is such a sick perversion. It's like saying the Jews persecuted Hitler."
"I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values."
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
"By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?"
"By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there
"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake."
Jackie Mason Movie Quotes
Chandler Young: I'm Chandler Young.
Jack Hartounian: Oh, I'm afraid I'm at a disadvantage; I only have one last name.
Chandler Young: And quite an interesting last name it is.
Jack Hartounian: Hartounian!
Chandler Young: What is your background?
Jack Hartounian: My father was Armenian. My other was half Jewish, half English, half Spanish.
Chandler Young: That's three halves.
Jack Hartounian: Oh, she was a big woman.
Jack Hartounian: [to one of his workers] Take chances. I'm insured.
Chandler Young: Interesting club. what would you call that?
Jack Hartounian: Twelve gauge.