Jackie Martling Stand Up Jokes
All right class today we are going to use the word definitely in a sentence, Roberta
Ugh the sky is definitely blue.
Now roberta sometimes its dark at night and the sky is black and grey when overcast so the sky is not definitely blue, Edward
Umm the grass is definitely green.
Now, now I'm sorry edward sometimes the grass is dead and its brown, the grass isnĀ't definitely green
Dirty johnny stands up in the back
Yo teach is it all right if I ask a question first?
She says go-ahead son
When you break wind does it ever have lumps in it?
She says heavens no
Then I definitely **** my pants!
Alright class we will move onto sex education says the teacher
The teacher then goes up to the blackboard and draws a huge penis and says can anyone tell me what that is
Dirty Johnny stands up and says
yeah I can tell you what that is, itĀ's a penis, and you know how I know, my old mans got two of umm
Teacher says two of umm are you shure son
Of course im shure the little one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitters teeth!
3 ladies in the obsertritions waiting room
1st one says, im going to have a boy because I was on top when we did it
2nd one goes, im going to have a girl because I was on the bottom when we did it
3rd one says fuck im going to have a puppy!
girl: "My knees are cut up from having sex doggie style."
Doc: "Don't you know any other positions?"
"Yeah ... but my doggie don't."
How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean. ...see you
It's a good thing I had my mouth open...that bird would've shit right on my face.
When an old girlfriend realized I had a sex video of us & wanted it back. I said, "You'll have to pay $15.95, just like everybody else."
Wh'yd the Jewish guy divorce his wife and get a dog? The license was cheaper, the dog didn't have a mother, and it already had a fur coat.
Last night I was with a feminist. What an asshole. And her tits weren't bad, either.
Why doesn't God ever vacation on earth? He came down about 2000 years ago, banged some Jewish girl and they're still talking about it.
If I was a gynecologist, I'd put on those rubber gloves after I was done with the exams, to seal in the flavor.
I'm thinking...if you build a fire, you can stay warm for a while. If you set yourself on fire, you'll be warm for the rest of your life.
Jackie Martling Movie Quotes
Howard: All right! Now let's go to our newest member of the panel, Mr. Jackie "Jokeman" Martling. Blank willow.
Jackie: Well, Gene, I didn't write it too neat, so I have a sloppy pussy.
Howard: Sloppy pussy! We had a sloppy and a fuzzy pussy and a very big one.
Fred: Are we talking about Brett again?
Howard: All right, now, Let's keep going. Now it's gonna get a little rougher, OK? Everybody ready? Blank a-doodle-doo. Blank a-doodle-doo. [Music Plays] Blank a-doodle-doo. Think about that while the celebrities are writing. Here we are. Let's go over to our Dick Nixon, our own ex-president. What do you got there, Dick?
Fred: Well, it takes a Dick to know a cock, and that's what I wrote.
Howard: Cock-a-doodle-doo. Now, that's what I would have said. That seemed like the obvious answer. OK, let's go to our own Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling. Jackie The Jokeman?
Jackie: Gene, I have cock, and I wrote it big. I have a big cock.
Howard: Uh, I don't think you can say "big cock" on the radio. I think that's a no-no.
Robin: But I just said pussy.
Jackie: Yeah, she just said pussy.
Howard: Yes, pussy is OK. It's the way he says it. "Big cock" coming out of your mouth sounds awfully dirty.
Jackie: So I can't say "big cock," but you can say "big cock coming out of my mouth"?
Howard: That's correct.
Jackie: That sucks.
Fred: Did you just say, "big cock coming out of your mouth sucks"?
Howard: All right, enough of this nonsense. We gotta move to Miss Brett Somers.
Robin: Just like the boys, Gene, I've got cock.
Howard: There it is, cock-a-doo...do me a favor and hold that up so I can see your cock.
Jackie: Aw, Gene, don't have...
Howard: All right, there it is. Cock, cock, cock. I must tell you, though, we have to end this fun right now.