Jack Dee Stand Up Jokes
"I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs-like custom officers. Aren't they a bunch of bastards, all that finger up the a*shole, all day long. They put a uniform on, for a job like that, can you imagine doing that? 'Just off to work now dear'. 'Have a nice day day at the orafice'."
"One of my friends went on a murder weekend-now he is doing life for it"
"My local's rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night-First question was, "What the f*ck are you looking at?"
"The film industry is like Anne Robinson-always on the look-out for a new face"
"Try saying: 'Whale Oil Beef Hooked' without sounding like an Irish man swearing."
"I read in my local newspaper, they had this advert, 'Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather', and shall I tell you something about that? I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right. Lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight!"
"Studies show 1 in 5 British teens are unable to peel an orange-It's a good job they've all got knives then."
A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?
"I read an article that said if you regularly drink two glasses of wine a day, you could be well on your way to becoming an alcoholic. I thought, if I regularly drank two glasses of wine a day I'd be well on my way to being cured of alcoholism."
"The other night, this salesman phoned up and started banging on and on about buying car insurance. I'm not interested anyway. I don't even have car insurance, because I'm a careful driver."
"I've had my run-ins with booze; it's well documented. So what I can say from experience is that it takes a lot of guts and perseverance and courage to stop drinking. Which is why I haven't."
"The rain forest has Sting. Now Siberia has Jack Dee. Someone had to draw the short straw. In this case it was the rain forest."
"Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It's called Not Poodle."
Jack Dee Show
Jack Dee: I am trying out some stuff tonight, not sure how it's going to go. You know what it's like when you're on drugs for the first time. I actually... I hate people who think it's cleaver to take drugs, like customs officers. Aren't they a bunch of b*****ds, all that finger up the a***hole, all day long. They put a uniform on, for a job like that, can you imagine doing that? 'Just off to work now dear'. 'Have a nice day day at the orafice'.
Jack Dee: I love to be in Britain, when it's hot weather. I love it when you get four or five days of hot weather, because then people in Kent run out of water, don't they? Know what I like to do? I like to ring them up, and play the sound of running water down the phone.
[Pretending to be on the telephone]
Jack Dee: Hello, I just washed my car. Probably water the lawn in a minute. Might have a bath, might not, see how I feel. I'll probably fill the bath, not even use it.
Jack Dee: I read in my local newspaper, they had this advert, "Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather", and shall I tell you something about that? I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right, yet. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight!