Jack Benny Stand Up Jokes
Last time I got a standing ovation was in England when I played with the London Philharmonic. I played the Wieniawski Concerto, and when I finished, the whole audience stood up - and walked out!
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theater tonight, so good night.
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
(about Abraham Lincoln) Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.
(about George Burns) We have a lot in common. The other night we went to see an X-rated movie, and we both fell asleep.
(about his fiddle) It's a real Strad, you know. If it isn't I'm out one hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so cheap is that it's one of the few Strads made in Japan.
(at a CBS dinner) Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.
(at a charity dinner) I had my choice tonight of buying a hundred-dollar ticket or being up here on the dais.. So, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Comedy itself is based upon very old principals of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.
(first radio appearance) Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.
When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front . . . the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred-dollar seats are the last two rows.and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.
(while rehearsing Schubert's Unfinished Symphony with the school orchestra) The Waukegan High School Orchestra is going to finish it off once and for all.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.
I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.
I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
I went into Claridge's for lunch the other day - all I ordered was a fruit salad and coffee, and I had to book another week at the Palladium.
I went to see one of those X-rated pictures the other night, and I couldn't believe my eyes. So I stayed to see it a second time.
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.
I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like . . . well, Eichmann maybe.
I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.