Harry Hill Stand Up Jokes
A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish, imagine what he'd do for some chips.
A tip to all new mothers - Don't put your baby in bed with you because you might fall asleep, roll on it and put your back out!
Alan, fancy a game of: No you go first?
Apple left the fruit union did very well mmm mmm! Got a pie, got a sauce...
Apparently you can tell a lot about someone's personality from what they're like...
Apparently, there's enough poison in a crab, to kill a crab.
But Alan! If you're here, whose grooming the badgers ready for the badger parade?
But what if Ben Kingsley of clown union find out?
If you get a letter and you don't know who it's from, just run after the postman and shout "1471"!
I never saw much of my grand father... Because he was very good at hiding!
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
Bowl... Mole... Fole... GOAL!
Mangetouts eh? Mangetouts, they're lovely aren't they? But couldn't eat a whole one.
My aunt used to say, 'What you can't see, can't hurt you'...well, she died of radiation poisining a few months back!
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.
My Dad kept bees, not for the honey, no, for the fur!
My father used to like my mother to get dressed up as a nurse. Then he used to like her to go out to work... as a nurse! Brought in some extra money...
My father used to say to me always fight fire with fire. And that's why he was thrown out of the fire brigade.
My mother was a lolly-pop lady... and by that I mean she had a long thin body, and a big, fat, sticky head.
Nelson Mandela - more of those crazy shirts please!
...Not really of course - the power of suggestion!
Of course if you drop a bible from a height you can kill a field mouse; so maybe the bible isn't all good.
Owls Good, Badgers Bad!
Remember when Sellotape came out? Oh, the excitement!
Rory McGrath... He naturally funny, he don't need gimmick like big collar or pens in top pocket. He funny. He don't need to be post-modern!
Swan - long neck! Goose - long neck! Owl - short neck, but swivels round!
The thing about heroin is... it's very morish, apparently
Too small for the role of Pastachio, not curly enough to be a Cashew...The Almond.
Well, I've had a terrible week. I've had that, erm, Anthrax, have you had that? Diarrhoea, blood in the urine, the liver was disintegrating... and i found the only thing that really helped... was Lemsip. Just took the edge off.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
What is it about people who repair shoes, that make them so good at cutting keys?
When you buy a V-neck sweater there's a V of material missing. You know what they do with that? They send it to Ann Summers and she makes those fancy pants.
Zenibab Badawi, Brian Harvey...You've got to have a system...I should 'ave me own key though, shouldn't I?