Gilbert Gottfried Jokes

Gilbert Gottfried Stand Up Jokes

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, �Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me.� And Jesus looked at me and said, �You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.�

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"

I've always said my career is somewhere between children's programming and hard-core porn.

With (Katrina), it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table?... See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, �You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.�

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

Sometimes I'd sit and talk to Nostradamus and he'd just sit there go, �I know. I know.� Once I went to movies with Nostradamus. I said, �Boy, what did you think of that ending?� He goes, �What? You didn't see that coming?�

How exactly do they prove that you've been masturbating?
Do they dust for prints?

A Man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says "I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers"
The man goes "Thank god I don't have cancer"

An Old Jew is taking a walk and sees a lamp, he picks up the lamp and rubs it, a genie pops out
The genie says "I'll grant you one wish",
The old jew reaches into his pocket and takes out a crumpled map and says "You see this area, this is called the Middle East. There's been nothing but war and bloodshed here for centuries.. can you do something"
And the genie goes "Even with my power I can't do anything about that area.. can i grant you another wish"
So he says "I've been married for 40 years and my wife has never given me a blowjob, could you get her to do that for me, just once".
The genie goes "Can I look at that map again?"

Gilbert Gottfried Movie Quotes

Gilbert Gottfried (Mr. Peabody): I'll have to call you back. I gotta deal with one of the little weenies right now.
[Hangs up phone and then talks through intercom]
Gilbert Gottfried (Mr. Peabody): Send the little sweetheart in.
Problem Child 2

Junior: But my dad said the 3rd grade is the foundation of my education.
Gilbert Gottfried (Mr. Peabody): Oh, your dad said that. Your dad is a Moron. He's a moron, you know what a moron is?, that's what your dad is.
Problem Child 2

Gilbert Gottfried (Mr. Peabody): Maybe all Junior needs is to be loved.
Mother Superior: Let's cut the crap, Mr. Peabody. Either Junior goes or you find yourself some new nuns.
Problem Child

Gilbert Gottfried (Mr. Peabody): Can I call you back in five minutes?
[hangs up phone]
Little Ben Healy: He's all yours.
Gilbert Gottfried (Mr. Peabody): Ben, Flo can we dicuss this?
Flo Healy: There's nothing to discuss!
Little Ben Healy: We're signing him back over to you right now!
Gilbert Gottfried (Mr. Peabody): Bad parents make bad children!
Flo Healy: Oh so now I'm a bad parent just because I hate my kid!
Gilbert Gottfried (Mr. Peabody): You took him, he's yours!
Little Ben Healy: That's because you conned us into him!
Gilbert Gottfried (Mr. Peabody): What am I supposed to do with the little creep? He's already been returned 30 times!
Flo Healy: Well this makes 31 Charlie!
Gilbert Gottfried (Mr. Peabody): Ok Mr and Mrs. "We don't care about brown hair and brown eyes. We just want him into our home and let him play with our disgusting cat."!
Problem Child

Gilbert Gottfried (Sidney Bernstein): [on the phone] Naturally. I can see- Yeah, yeah. I mean I-I understand. Somebody- W-wait-
[off the phone]
Gilbert Gottfried (Sidney Bernstein): Oh, oh, oh. Come right in. Don't let the fact that my door's closed dissuade you in any way from entering my office.
Axel Foley: Sir, we're with the Beverly Hills Police Department. Are you Mr. Sidney Bernstein?
Gilbert Gottfried (Sidney Bernstein): Yes. Lucky guess.
Axel Foley: Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, we have a warrant for your arrest.
Gilbert Gottfried (Sidney Bernstein): 25? What 25?
Axel Foley: You have 25 unpaid parking tickets, sir.
Gilbert Gottfried (Sidney Bernstein): I-I pay my tickets. I pay - I pay all my tickets.
Axel Foley: Sir, do you own a Black Mercedes-Benz, License Plates number CRL-507?
Gilbert Gottfried (Sidney Bernstein): 507? That's my wife's car! That's not my car! That's my-
Axel Foley: You have 25 unpaid parking tickets.
Gilbert Gottfried (Sidney Bernstein): I mean, it's under my name. But, it's my wife's car! No! No! No!
[picks up phone; yells]
Gilbert Gottfried (Sidney Bernstein): Bitch!
Axel Foley: Your tickets have not been paid, that means you're liable.
[to Taggart & Rosewood]
Axel Foley: Can you cuff Mr. Bernstein, please?
Gilbert Gottfried (Sidney Bernstein): Cuff me? There are people out there with chainsaws, you're cuffing me!
Axel Foley: Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, and it's your car. So, we have to take you in.
Gilbert Gottfried (Sidney Bernstein): Wait a second, I've got an idea. Is there something that I have in this office that I could hand to you, and that would make you kind of forget that you're holding those, uh, little pink tickets there?
Beverly Hills Cop II

Joke Generators: