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George Carlin Jokes


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George Carlin Stand Up Jokes

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a c**ksucker from Guatemala.”
I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
What year did Jesus think it was?
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?

Get on the plane, get on the plane. I say, FUCK YOU! I'm getting IN the plane! Evel Knievel can get ON the plane. There seems to be less wind in here!

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

In America anyone can become President. That's the problem.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lof worth paying attention to.

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone … Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.
George Carlin (Toledo Window Box)

Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.
George Carlin (Toledo Window Box)

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? There's such balance in nature.
George Carlin (A Place for My Stuff)

And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
George Carlin (A Place for My Stuff)

It's a great country, but it's a strange culture. ... This has got to be the only country in the world that could ever come up with a disease like bulimia; gotta be the only country in the world where some people have no food at all, and other people eat a nourishing meal and puke it up intentionally. This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean? This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs! And now, they're thinking about banning toy guns - and they're gonna keep the fucking real ones!
George Carlin (What Am I Doing in New Jersey?)

I look at war a little bit differently. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! OK? Simple thing. That's all it is. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field, waving their pricks at one another. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. That's what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. That's what all that adolescent, macho male posturing, and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. It's called "dick fear!" Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! You don't have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy theory at work. It sounds like this: "What, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them!" And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. It's a subconscious need to project the penis into other people's affairs. It's called "fucking with people!"
George Carlin (Jammin' in New York)

That's another complaint of mine - too much use of this prefix "pre". It's all over the language now — "pre"-this, "pre"-that, place the turkey in a "pre-heated" oven. It's ridiculous! There are only two states an oven can possibly exist in: Heated or unheated! "Pre-heated" is a meaningless fucking term! It's like "pre-recorded" — "This program was pre-recorded." Well, of course it was pre-recorded! When else are you gonna record it, afterwards? That's the whole purpose of recording; to do it beforehand! Otherwise it doesn't really work, does it? "Pre-existing", "pre-planning", "pre-screening" — you know what I tell these people? Pre-suck my genital situation! And they seem to understand what I'm talking about.
George Carlin (Jammin' in New York)

Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you?... When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen... 'cause chickens are decent people.
George Carlin (Back In Town)

But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase "sanctity of life." You've heard that, "sanctity of life." You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit. Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death— has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the lamb, vengeance is mine, millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question: "Do you believe in God?" "No." Boom! Dead. "Do you believe in God?" "Yes..." "Do you believe in my God?" "No." Boom! Dead. "My god has a bigger dick than your god!"
George Carlin (Back In Town)

I realized some time ago that I'm not separate from nature just because I have a primate brain - an upper brain - because underneath the primate brain, there's a mammalian brain, and beneath the mammalian brain, there's a reptilian brain; and it's those two lower brains that made the upper brain possible in the first place. Here's the way it works: The primate brain says, "Give peace a chance." The mammalian brain says, "Give peace a chance, but first let's kill this motherfucker." And the reptilian brain says, "Let's just kill the motherfucker, go to the peace rally and get laid."
George Carlin (Complaints and Grievances)

Cannibalism. Imagine that: chowing down on another human being. You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man. You gotta be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn't it? Still happens to this day. A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness run out of pop tarts, gotta eat something... Might as well be Steve! And by the way, how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack? Do you pick on the little guy because he's skinny and he can't fight back, or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder because he's got a lot of steaks and chops on him?
George Carlin (Life Is Worth Losing)

I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country.
George Carlin (Life Is Worth Losing)

Listen. There are 200 countries in the world now. Do these people honestly think that God is sitting around picking out his favorites? Why would he do that? Why would God have a favorite country? And why would it be America out of all the countries? Because you have the most money? Because he likes our National Anthem? Maybe it's because he heard we have 18 delicious flavors of Classic Rice-A-Roni! It's delusional thinking! And America is not alone with this sort of delusions. Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed. Somebody's wasting their fucking time. Could it be everyone?
George Carlin (Life Is Worth Losing)

Now if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. Next time you're at the computer, get on the internet, go to Wikipedia. When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia, I want you to type in "Japanese Americans 1942" and you'll find out all about your precious fucking rights, Okay? All right. You know about it. In 1942, there were 110,000 Japanese American citizens in good standing, law-abiding people who were thrown into internment camps simply because their parents were born in the wrong country. That's all they did wrong. They had no right to a lawyer, no right to a fair trial, no right to a jury of their peers no right to due process of any kind. The only right they had: "Right this way" into the internment camps! Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government took them away! And rights aren’t rights if someone can take them away. They're privileges. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. You see all, sooner or later. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. It simply does not give a fuck about you! It's interested in its own power. That's the only thing. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible.
George Carlin (Life Is Worth Losing)
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