George Burns Stand Up Jokes
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
"A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible."
"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman, or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
"When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile."
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house."
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman... or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.