Frankie Howerd Stand Up Jokes
"Very clever, all those boys are, very clever boys. I think they should turn professional. They tell me now they've learned to put on make-up. Soon they're going to use it on the stage!"
"I was on a cycle rally and we were passing Chequers - I thought, I'll nip in. I'm sorry - I told him. I was very forthright, stupid to be anything else. I said, "Harold, be careful", I said, "Harold, don't rush into this, I beg you." I don't think he got the message. Well, it's very difficult when you're shouting through a letter box!
"Because your all students, so naturally to you I'm not what you call an academic and no way at all could you call me an intellectual. Which is why I feel so much at home here tonight." (Oxford Union)
I saw this man, actually he saw me, and he said "Excuse Me, you Frankie Howard?" I said "Yes" He said "Dear God I thought you were dead" I said no "I'm very much alive and kicking if you know, if you know, what I mean"
Did I catch you. I wish you brought your umbrella. You might need it tonight.
I feel limp....Don't laugh it's wicked to mock the afflicted. Oh no, I feel like I should be in bed.....anyone?
Up Pompeii Quotes
Ludicrus Sextus: (during Vesuvius' eruption) I say, Lurcio, how did my speech go?
Lurcio (Frankie Howerd, in the rubble): Master, you brought the house down!
Lurcio: (Frankie Howerd, to audience) I will quote from the last words of Cleopatra to Mark Antony: if you liked it, tell your friends. SalutÚ!
Lurcio: (Frankie Howard, after Cassandra's prophecy; to the camera) Oh, she's very embittered, you know. Very embittered. You've seen the ring she had on? Well, allegedly, that was given to her by her fiancÚ when she was eighteen, and he jilted her, and she hasn't had it off since! Poor dear!
"Cassandra: Pompeii's citizens will befall the fate of the sinful men of Gomorrah!
Lurcio: Will they, indeed?
Cassandra: And Sodom
[pronounced Sod em]
Lurcio: Ooh, I agree, the lot of them!"
Lurcio: (Frankie Howerd, in the sauna) I can't see a bloody thing, can you?
[naked woman passes by when Lurcio is in front of the camera]
Lurcio: Eh, was that a naked woman just then? Damn, I missed her.
[naked man passes by]
Lurcio: But you couldn't miss him now, could you?