Frank Carson Stand Up Jokes
So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
"Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!"
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
A fella said to me: "Your mother-in-law has just died, do you want her embalmed, buried or cremated?" I said: "Take no chances, give her the lot."
A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."
Paddy is woken in the middle of the night by a phone call. The caller says "Is that Dublin 22 33 22?" Paddy says "no it's Dublin 223 322!" the caller apologises for waking him in the middle of the night, Paddy says "Oh it's all right I had to get up to answer the phone anyhow!"
There was an advert in the paper saying 'Boxer dogs for sale' and a member of my golf club rang up and asked: "How many dogs are in a box?"
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."
A man walks into B&Q. He says: "I want some nails." The shop worker says: "How long do you want them?" The man says: "I want to keep them."
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.