Eric Morecambe Stand Up Jokes
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
"I used to play football in my youth. Then my eyes went bad. That's why I became a referee"
"Life isn't Hollywood. Life is Cricklewood"
"I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? . . . No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup"
"Sometimes it worries me. I feel something's got to give. I know what Harry Secombe meant when he said he's worried that one day the phone will ring and a mystic voice will say, 'Thank you, Mr Secombe. Now can we have it all back?'"
Morecambe and Wise
"What do you think of it so far?" (said by Eric, who would use a prop-such as a statue or stuffed toy-to answer: "Rubbish!") Morecambe said later that whenever Luton Town were playing away and he happened to be in the director's box, if Luton were behind at half-time the home fans would shout 'What do you think of it so far?'
"More tea, Ern?" (a pun on "tea urn", a vessel for serving hot drinks used in workplaces)
"[He's got] short, fat, hairy legs" (said by Eric of Ernie)
"You can't see the join!" (said by Eric of Ernie's alleged wig)
Eric to Ernie: "I see your fan's in!"
Eric: "Look at me when I'm talking to you!"
Eric: "This boy's a fool!" when bamboozling Ernie or the guest star.
Eric: "Get out of that!" when holding his open hand underneath Ernie's chin. This was meant to be a karate move that incapacitated the victim. Often followed by "You can't, can you?".
Eric: "(It's) nice out isn't it?". A reference to a dirty joke never fully expounded.
Eric: "They can't touch you for it" (i.e. it is not illegal). A comment following a slightly obscure word, turning it into a double entendre.
Eric: "Ready when you are pally!"
Eric: "Evenin' all! (Sorry I'm late but...)" when making his entry during one of Ernie's plays.
"Hold it son! (Are you holding it?)" said by Eric to stop the music.
Eric: "How do you do that?" said to Ernie when the door bell rang in their flat.
Eric: "Be honest!" after what he thought was a particularly good routine.
"The play what I wrote" (said by Ernie of his literary works)
"Arsenal!" (said by Eric), dating from a sketch in which Eric is an incompetent 'Mr Memory' unable to remember anything without unsubtle prompting from Ernie. It developed into a running gag, so that whenever Ernie coughed, Eric would shout 'Arsenal!'
"He's not wrong, you know" (said by Eric)
"Wahey!" (said by Eric after what he considers is a particularly good joke)
"He's still got it, you know" (said by Eric, referring to himself, after what he considers a particularly good joke)
"There's no answer to that!" (said by Eric after anything which could be construed as innuendo; he also said "Pardon?" in a similar way)
Making fun of the singer and entertainer Des O'Connor in various disparaging ways, e.g. "If you want me to be a goner, buy me a record by Des O'Connor"
"That's easy for you to say!" (Eric) if anyone fluffed their line.
Eric deliberately getting guest stars' names wrong
"Just watch it, that's all!" (said by Eric when grabbing Ernie by the lapels)
"You said that without moving your lips" (said by Eric if someone said a line whilst he was looking at somebody else).