Eddie Murphy Jokes

I have nothing against homosexuals. I think an orgasm is your thing, and you should fuck whoever the fuck you feel like fucking. Whoever makes you come the hardest. Anybody who says you shouldn't, politely tell them to mind their own business.
Playboy interview, February 1990.

Eddie Murphy Delirious (1983)

(Impersonating his father ranting drunkenly at the cookout) I'll tell you somethin', motherfucker! You can take your motherfuckin' hairy, fat-ass moustache bitch out the fuck!! You can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit, and take Eddie and get these long, Angela Davis afro-wearin' motherfuckin' kids of yours and put them in the motherfuckin' guni-gugu-mobile and get the fuck out!!

(About Stevie Wonder) I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago. I said, 'Look, Steve, I get too much motherfuckin' flak over this impression. I don't like doin' it, I ain't doin' this shit no more.' Stevie said, 'Well, I feel that...' I said, 'Shut the fuck up, Steve.' 'Cause you've gotta cut Steve off, 'cause if he get a roll goin' he'll talk your ears off! You ever see Steve win a Grammy and go up and give one of them long ass acceptance speeches? They say, 'And the winner is Stevie Wonder!' Stevie be goin, 'I'd just like to say...all the people in the world today...God's children...' 'Look, just take the motherfuckin' award and go!' 'Cause the credits be rollin' and Stevie be up there goin' 'And I'd like to thank...' I be in the car, I just said 'Shut the fuck up, Steve. I'm tellin' you, you a genius and all that shit, but you my boy, man, we hangin', man. It's nice and shit, but I don't appreciate all the flak. And personally, the piano and the singin' and all that, I told you how I feel about singin' man, I ain't impressed. You wanna impress me, take the wheel for a while, motherfucker!'

You don't even have to be able to talk. Just sing and get famous. 'Cause James Brown's been singin' 30 years. I don't know what the fuck James is talkin' about!

Michael Jackson, who can sing, and is a good lookin' guy...but ain't the most masculine fellow in the world.

There's somethin' about singing, that is the business! You sing, women go crazy! 'Cause Mick Jagger is an ugly motherfucker...with big-ass lips! Mick Jagger's lips so big, black people be goin', 'He got some big-ass lips! These are big motherfuckin' lips!'

Eddie Murphy Movie Quotes

Tower Heist (2011) (Slide)

Slide: A robbery can change very quickly. You have to be ready to adapt to the situation at any moment. Anything can happen. I was on a job a few days ago and my homie got shot in the face!
Josh Kovacs: If you get shot in the face, it's over.
Slide: If you get shot in your HEAD, it's over. If you get shot in your FACE, the bullet will go through your cheek and come out the other side! Then, what you gonna do?
Cole Howard: Die! We're all gonna die!

Slide: We can order whatever we like, lunch is on me...
[holds up a bag with a cockroach in it]

Odessa Montero: First thing you gotta do, you gotta find the entry point. You gotta use your fingers, and you find the entry point.
[Slide looks at Odessa]
Odessa Montero: You married?
Slide: No, I ain't married. What's up?

Shrek Forever After (2010) (Voice: Donkey)

Donkey: Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe.
Shrek: Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little mutant donkey dragon babies?
Donkey: I do?
Shrek: You saw what happened. She's going to think I'm crazy.
Donkey: I'm a daddy?

Donkey: Are my kids cute or do they make people uncomfortable?

Shrek: Sorry, but this order's to go.
Cookie: But I haven't taken out his gibblets yet.
Shrek: Trust me, you don't want to eat this one.
Donkey: I go down smooth, but I come out fightin'!

Donkey: Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy!

Meet Dave (2008) (Dave)

Gina Morrison: [Dave is looking at a picture of Gina's late husband.] Captain?
Dave: Yes?
Gina Morrison: That's my husband. He was a captain with the Navy.
Dave: I am a captain.
Gina Morrison: Really? A captain of what?
[Inside the ship, Number 3 looks something up.]
Dave: I am a captain of crunch.

Gina Morrison: So, where are you from? Do you live around here?
Dave: Yes, of course. I am just a regular person from right here on Earth, just like you. I just don't get out that much.
Gina Morrison: Yeah, judging from your suit, I'd say since about 1978.
Captain: Note: all-white apparel is not as standardized as we thought.
Gina Morrison: [laughing] You late for a Bee Gees concert or something?
Dave: Bee Gees. Barry, Robin and Maurice. The brothers Gibb. Winning ten Grammy Awards and selling over 100 million records.
Dave: [high-pitched, fast singing] Well, you can tell by the way I can use my walk / I'm a woman's man, no time to talk / Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, Stayin' Alive / Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Norbit (2007)

Mr. Wong: Remember, black people run very fast. But problem run faster.
Norbit: ...That's kinda racist.
Mr. Wong: Yes, Wong very racist. Don't like black. Don't like Jew either. But black and Jew love Chinese food. Go figure.

[Norbit rides his bike towards the church when he's approached by Big Jack, Earl, and Rasputia]
Rasputia: Where the hell you goin', Norbit?
Norbit: [screams] None of your G.D. beeswax, Rasputia!
Rasputia: Look at you, you old stupid fool. You can't even ride a bike!
Norbit: Oh, yes I can, because Kate TAUGHT ME!
[Rasputia screams and grabs Norbit's neck]

Shrek 2 (2004) (Voice: Donkey)

Donkey: Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.

[after drinking a beauty potion]
Donkey: I don't *feel* any different. Do I look any different?
Puss-in-Boots: You still look like an ass to me!

Donkey: What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
Shrek: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
Puss-in-Boots: [camera shows just Puss] I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
Gingerbread Man: Shrek? Donkey?
Puss-in-Boots: [looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him] Too late.

Shrek: Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.
Donkey: Oh, man! Where do I begin? First there was the time the farmer traded me for some magic beans. I ain't never gotten over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling "Pi�ata! Pi�ata!" What the hell is a pi�ata, anyway?

Daddy Day Care (2003) (Charlie Hinton)

Phil: [in the carrot suit] Nobody likes broccoli!
Charlie Hinton: [in the broccoli suit] Ben likes broccoli! Don't you, Ben?
Ben: Nope.
Charlie Hinton: You turned my own sprout against me? Now you're gonna die!

Charlie Hinton: Today we need some organization and planned activities.
Phil: No. We need Ritalin and leashes, that's what we need.

Crispin: [shouts] Shut-up, Butthead!
Charlie Hinton: Shut-up, Butthead? I'm sure your mommy and daddy don't like you talking like that. When your mommy comes to get you I'm going to tell her what you said.
[Crispin kicks Charlies shin]
Charlie Hinton: [yells] Owww!

Charlie Hinton: Any boob can run a day-care center but it takes a family to raise some kids and that's what we're gonna be from now on, a family.

Nutty Professor (2000)

[Sherman is serenading Denise with the assistance of a crap Mexican band]
Sherman: Denise will you...
Buddy: Hey Sherman. You hear me Sherman?
Sherman: ...Denise will ya? Will ya? Let me come up there and put my beef in your taco?
Mexican band: ...Put his beef in your taco!
Denise: What?
Sherman: No, no...

Grandma Klump: Does Cletus know I'm strapped?
Cletus: Come on, shoot.
Grandma Klump: I'm strapped, ni**a!

Bowfinger (1999) (Jiff Ramsey)

Robert K. Bowfinger: Do you have any experience in motion pictures?
Jiff Ramsey: Uh, well, yeah, quite a bit, actually, I have quite a bit of experience. I'm an active, uh, renter at Blockbuster, and I, um, attend the filmed cinema, uh, as much as possible, weekly, bi-weekly, inter-week-... intermediately.
Robert K. Bowfinger: Would you be willing to cut your hair?
Jiff Ramsey: [sighs] Oh, yes, but, uh, it's usually better if someone else does it. I've had a few... accidents.

Robert K. Bowfinger: Would you be willing to cut your hair?
Jiff Ramsey: Well, yeah, but it would probably be better if someone else did it. I've had a few... accidents.

Jiff Ramsey: Oh, gosh, I'm really hoping to get a career running errands. That'd be a major boost for me.

Doctor DoLittle (1998)

Rodney: [on telephone] Hey, honey, feeling better?
Dr. John Dolittle: Who's this?
Rodney: I'll give you a hint: I'm cute, I'm furry, and I make five hundred babies a year!
Dr. John Dolittle: Rodney. Get back in your cage.
Rodney: What's up with that trap behind the fridge? You trying to kill me?
Dr. John Dolittle: Never mind that. Get your little furry ass back in your cage. Now. I don't want your droppings on... Bye-bye.
[to security guard]
Dr. John Dolittle: My son Rodney. Little hairy boy, sleeps in the cage. I have to keep him in the cage because he has hygiene problems.

Maya Dolittle: [Her pet guinea pig is missing] Dad, you HAVE to find Rodney.
Dr. John Dolittle: Sure, I'll find your rat.
Maya Dolittle: He's a guinea pig.
Dr. John Dolittle: Whatever; they're both rodents. I'll find your rodent; I'll put down some of that sticky paper for him.
Maya Dolittle: No, not that!
Dr. John Dolittle: It'll be fine; you peel him right off it, and he'll live

Dr. John Dolittle: [John plays rehab counselor to an alcoholic monkey from the circus] ... The problem with your equilibrium might be due to an inner ear infection...
[the monkey grunts, belches, and produces a small empty bottle]
Dr. John Dolittle: ... Or it may be due to THIS.
French Monkey: I'm a social drinker. Ha ha.
French Monkey: Very social. Ha ha.
Dr. John Dolittle: I think you're wasted. Nobody likes a drunk monkey.

Dr. John Dolittle: ...You're suffering from obsessive-compulsive behavior...
Compulsive Dog: [bouncing like a pogo stick] Throw the ball!
Dr. John Dolittle: When you want the ball, think about something else...
Compulsive Dog: Don't say anything more! Throw the ball!
Dr. John Dolittle: You need to relax your mind...
Compulsive Dog: You're the person. You throw the ball. I'm the dog. I get it. Simple as that. I swear, I'll pee on your carpet. Please, please, please, throw the ball. Shut up and throw the ball. Am I alone here? Am I all by myself? Am I in ANOTHER UNIVERSE?
[John resignedly does so]
Compulsive Dog: He threw the ball! Oh, he threw the ball! I'll get it! I'll get it! I love you! I love you! You threw the ball...!
Rodney: [to John] ... You can't save 'em all, Hasselhoff.

The Nutty Professor (1996)

Papa Klump: [When Sherman is 'fighting' Buddy on the stage] Someone had better go and call the exorcist!

Mama Klump: When the good Lord made you, He made you beautiful inside and out.

Sherman Klump: Daddy, all I'm saying is that scientific breakthroughs are occurring all the time.
Ernie Klump: The only thing that's 'bout to break through is your ass 'bout to break through the seat of your pants.

Mama Klump: Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!

Beverly Hills Cop III (1994) (Axel Foley)

Axel: Hey.
Mrs. Todd: I understand that you were with him at the end.
Axel: Yeah, his last words were about you.
Mrs. Todd: That does not sound like my Douglas, Axel. Try again.
Axel: Actually his last words were 'Axel are you on a coffee break, go and get that son of a bitch.' Those were his last words.
Mrs. Todd: That sounds like my Douglas.
Axel: Yeah, sounds like a good idea, too.

Orrin Sanderson: Mr. Foley, Mr. DeWald.
Axel: [Goes to attack DeWald, is restrained by security guards] You fuck! Motherfucker! That's him! Motherfucker! That's the fuckin' guy I'm looking for!
Ellis De Wald: Orrin, you want to tell me what's going on here?
Axel: This fuckin' guy shot a Detroit police officer last weekend!
Ellis De Wald: Last weekend? I was at my beach house in Laguna *last weekend*.
Axel: Your beach home in Laguna?
[starts to calm down]
Axel: Wait, wait, hold it, I think I got the wrong guy, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This is a big...
[to security guards]
Axel: I'm cool. It's a big misunderstanding.
Axel: [to DeWald] I know you got your beach...
[goes at DeWald again and is restrained]
Axel: No fuckin' beach house in Laguna, you motherfucker!

Axel: You got a fifty dollar bill?
Jon Flint: I got a wife and three kids. I haven't seen a fifty in twelve years.

Beverly Hills Cop II (1987) (Axel Foley)

Axel Foley: Inspector T, how you doin'?
Inspector Todd: Where the fuck you been, Foley? And what the fuck is this?
Axel Foley: It's a blue slip.
Inspector Todd: Wh-what in the hell do you need a thousand dollars for?
Axel Foley: A little flash money.
Inspector Todd: Flash money. Well, let's see here - $2,000 for a suit, $200 for a tie, a requisition order for a Ferrari. I'm don't wanna see any more of these blue slips. When am I gonna see some arrest slips?
Axel Foley: I know that you're getting' upset. And I know that you have reason to be upset. But let me tell you something, chief. I am close, I am so close now. I'm closer than I've been, and it-it's makin' me crazy. 'Cause I can smell it, it's in the air. And I smell it. It's
Axel Foley: I sm- Do you smell it? 'Cause I smell it.
Inspector Todd: All I smell is your bullshit. For six months, I been pourin' money down a bottomless hole. Where the bad guys at the end of this rainbow?
Axel Foley: Wait a second, look. I just thought, that if there was a problem-
Inspector Todd: Don't think, Axel! It makes my dick itch. The truth is, this department has fronted you a fortune. And my ass is on the line. I okayed all this shit!

Axel Foley: Oh, you mean the construction that's going on. Yes, I'm very embarrassed about that. What I'm trying to do, though, is just confine myself to the other five bedrooms. I'm used to compromising my lifestyle.
Sergeant Taggart: Bullshit! You've stolen this house!
Axel Foley: How the fuck can you steal a house? This...my uncle's house!

Axel Foley: Hey! Sound the alarm. You got a break-in!
City Deposit Guard: I need authorization.
[Axel and Bill pull their guns and shoot the alarm]
Axel Foley, Billy Rosewood: Authorized!

Beverly Hills Cop (1984) (Axel Foley)

Sergeant Taggart: Why didn't you identify yourself as a police officer when you were arrested?
Axel Foley: 'Cause I was mindin' my own business. Hey, where the fuck do you guys get off on arresting somebody for getting thrown out of a window?
Sergeant Taggart: We have six witnesses that say you broke in and started tearing up the place, then jumped out the window!
Axel Foley: And you guys believe that? What the fuck are you, cops or doormen?
Sergeant Taggart: We're more likely to believe an important local businessman than a foul-mouthed jerk from out of town.
Axel Foley: Foul-mouthed?
[Taggart nods]
Axel Foley: Fuck you, man.
Detective Rosewood: [Taggart stands up and draws himself to full height] Hey, Sarge...
Sergeant Taggart: You watch your mouth.
Axel Foley: [standing] Hey, man, don't square off on me with some bullshit.
[shoves Taggart]
Axel Foley: You wanna start some static?
Sergeant Taggart: Hey, don't push me!
Axel Foley: [shoves Taggart again] Fuck you, man!
[Taggart delivers hard blow to Axel's stomach... Axel doubles over in pain]
Lieutenant Bogomil: [witnessing from his office] Taggart!
Sergeant Taggart: Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Bogomil: Come here.
[Taggart enters Bogomil's office, both emerge a minute later]
Sergeant Taggart: Sir... I apologize for striking you. I have no excuse.
Axel Foley: [bemused] Forget about it.

Axel Foley: If something happens to her...
Victor Maitland: Hmmm...? I'm all ears.
Axel Foley: I'll kill you.
Victor Maitland: Really? That would be a neat trick.

Axel Foley: Gimme the key! I'm gonna follow 'em!
Jenny Summers: Have you ever driven a Mercedes before?
Axel Foley: No, but a car is a car. I drive my car every day.
Jenny Summers: I'm driving. I've seen your car.
Axel Foley: Oh, shit, that's cold.

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