Eddie Izzard Stand Up Jokes
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.
Guns don't kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do too- if they have a gun.
"Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!""
"But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who've had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!"
"So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little na´ve, I feel!"
"And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do," but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that-"
"Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you. That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance."
"Well, if you put it that way, I think you've got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry."
"I'm an Action Transvestite"
"If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid."
"Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head."
"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup."
I am two lesbians in a man's body.
Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.
You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words - have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going - [mimes obeying all commands] "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!"
And cats leap up walls! Six foot walls, they just go - *fwang* [mimes cat jumping] Lands perfectly, and turn - turn - and back flip and forward flip, and dismount! They always land perfectly, they never do that sort of wobbly-gymnast - [mimes wobbling] You never see cats on a wall having a problem, do you? You never see a cat going, [mimes tentative walk] "Fucking 'ell! I'm not sure about this -" and a cat on the ground, going, "Easy, Ginger! I'll walk you down!"
We throw sticks at dogs, that's the level we have dogs at. You'd never dream of throwing one for a cat. We throw sticks for dogs, and dogs go, "Oh, he's dropped his stick! I better go and get that. [mimes chasing after the stick] Saw you dropped your stick there, thought I'd bring it back. And you - hang on! [mimes giving the stick back and follows it with eyes as it's thrown again] Did you see me just bring that back? And then you - you dropped it again? This is very weird. I don't know what's going on here. [mimes bringing the stick back again] Now, hang on to it this time, I don't want to piss about all the time. You think I enjoy this? There you - don't fucking throw it!" That's why the third time, when they come back, they won't give it to you. They go, [through clenched teeth] "No - I won't let you take it!"
Beekeepers, yes - they've gotta want to be - "I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't wanna let them get away; I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom - I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps." And their footsteps were like this: [running wildly from imaginary bees] "I'm covered in bees!"
So then God created the world, and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam - more jam, perhaps - and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and, uh - Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go "urh" and - and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, "I can't remember what I've invented now. I've just been ad-libbing so far."
"Give us cash! I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I'm trying to be a myth; give us cash!" "No, I'm not gonna give you cash." "Go on, I steal from the rich. Are you rich?" "No, I'm - comfortable." "That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it?"
I don't have techno-fear, I have techno-joy! I love technology! I love to get a new machine. Every time I get a new machine, I think, "This is the one! I won't have to work again; I've got this thing!" And if you have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap it, and you throw the instructions out the window! [mimes doing so] Forget them! Fuck 'em! [mimes turning on a computer] On. [mimes typing] I must know how this works, I've used machines before!
[God, who was James Mason, to Noah] "Noah, stop what you're doing and build me an ark!" [Noah, who was Sean Connery] "I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible."
The Crusades were, "We kill you in the name of Jesus!" "Wait, we have Jesus, too! He's a prophet in our religion! We kill you in the name of Jesus!" "Do you? - Well, we kill you for your dark skin, for Jesus was a white man from Oxford!" "No, he wasn't! He was from Judea! Dark-skinned man, such as we!" "- Really? Look, we've come all this way. Would you mind awfully if we hacked you to bits? Just for the press back home."
There's 200,000 gods in Hinduism - and they've got gods like Shiva, the God of Creation and Destruction. Which is a good god to be, 'cause you can go *whoom* [creates thing] "What do you think? Do you like that? You don't like that?" *whoom* [destroys thing] If you're just the God of Creation, you're going *whoom* "Do you like that? You don't? All right, I'll put it in the garage - shit, I haven't got a garage!" *whoom* [creates garage]
Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh - well, until you killed them all, I suppose.
But there must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down: "I will have the penne all'arrabbiata." "You'll need a tray." "Do you know who I am?" "Do you know who I am?" "This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought." "Well, you'll still need a tray." "No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished, for I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor." "No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on." "Oh, I see, the food is hot. I'm sorry, I did not realize."
Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a [air quotes] "Genocidal Fuckhead - [air quotes again] with bunny rabbit ears". But he didn't, he wimped out, and for that history has renamed that Pope as "Pope Gutless Bastard I."
So I've learnt that the world is 4500 million years old. If you're very religious, then it's not 4500 million years old, it's 6000 years old. One of these is not correct.
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
The main point is, did God tell him to make a boat, or did Noah just use his captain common sense? Cause there are a number of us, if we were somewhere where it was raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining, and we had a big pile of wood, some of us might put two and two together and go, "I'm gonna make a bloody boat!" Others might go, "I'm gonna make a hairdresser's", "I'm gonna build a monkey emporium.", "I'm gonna build a big pair of wooden shoes, that would fit a giant." ... But he made a boat. Oh, he was quite sensible! And what did he put on the boat? His family. What else? Animals. Which animals? Any he could find. Did he put two of every animal in the world on the boat? No! How can I be so sure? Try it!
[Talking about the royal family] 'Cause they got in at '52, and then immediately the Queen introduced the new - then in the '60s, the Queen decided to change the way that - and she encouraged people to - and in the '70s she completely redistributed - and realised she had too much wealth, so she decided to - then in the '80s, they set up a charity to do - and then they encouraged other people to - and in the '90s, they just totally relaxed, and they said, "Everyone, why don't you -" And then in the 2000s, they've set a great example by - stop me at any point. I think she's got 20 years left. She's in there, but she essentially does what she does on the stamps.
And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just Math-sus. And Tease-sus would always be fucking about. And Pizz-sus does deliveries. Caes-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. Bee-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... Bee-sus was covered in bees.
Force Majeure (2013)
Do you know the 3 rules of Fascism? Make shit up, scream it loudly, and then kill people.
I'd go out and watch Diehard the musical (singing) "yippie kai yay muthafucker"
My god we had a king called Richard The Lionheart..I think one of the greatest English kings we have going. Great in battle, their statues of him outside the houses of parliament, born in oxford, fought all the fights, fought against Saladin in the third crusade, good looking, played the banjo, the David Beckham of kings right. Revered by the English, English as English Pie, and he spoke....French.