Don Rickles Jokes

When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket. (on Frank Sinatra)

Jews don't work zoos!

"Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?"

"Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap"

"When he did his monologues, it was always about the public and what was happening, right up before airtime, ... Hope and Humor." (about Johnny Carson)

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

You know, every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm *not* going to offend!

"I just can't tell jokes. It wasn't that someone gave me a hard time and I insulted him back. It's just that I tell jokes badly and as a young man I had a personality that I could rib somebody and get away with it. My father was the same way. My mother was a Jewish General Patton."

Don Rickles Movie Quotes

Toy Story (Mr. Potatohead)
Jessie: Where are you going?
Mr. Potato Head: I'm checking out the amenities. You know, the free stuff? Little soaps, shower caps, shampoo, conditioner.

Woody: Reach for the sky!
Mr. Potato Head: You can't touch me, Sheriff. I brought my attack dog with a built-in force field!

Mr. Potato Head: Hate to leave early, but our ride is here!
[Three aliens drive up in a pink Barbie Corvette]
Aliens: Ooh!
Mr. Potato Head: It's me or the kiddies, Sheriff! Take your pick!
[the Potato Heads jump into the convertible and drive off]

Mr. Potato Head: Are we gonna do this all night? My parts are killing me.

Rex: What happened?
Mr. Potato Head: [in disbelief] Woody's been shelved!

Mr. Potato Head: Oh, let's just go straight to Exhibit F! The kidnapper's vehicle.
[Refers to their toy reconstruction of the driveway]
Mr. Potato Head: Now the vehicle fled the scene in this direction.
[pushes a toy car to the left]

Mr. Potato Head: Hey, Hamm. Look, I'm Picasso!
Hamm: I don't get it.
Mr. Potato Head: You uncultured swine! What're you lookin' at, ya hockey puck?

Mr. Potato Head: Oh, really? I'm from Playskool.
Rex: And I'm from Mattel. Well, I'm not really from Mattel, I'm actually from a smaller company that was purchased by Mattel in a leveraged buyout.

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