Dane Cook Comedy Bits
We always have creepy people around, a creepy individual, and it starts off when we're young-uns; when we're young-uns there's a creepy person. Back in school, back in the day, which by the way, I don't know if you knew this, was a Wednesday. Thats a little fun fact. Yeah, when you refer to "back in the day" it's a Wednesday. Take that home, chew it, it's delicious.
Back when we were tots there was always that one kid in school, that one kid in class, that smelt like piss. Right, Robby was his name, Robby or Obby, he was an Obby name. And Obby didn't just smell like a hint of piss, he didn't smell like a smidgen of piss, that kid smelt like he was dipped in a vat of piss, like he woke up in the morning and said "Woooo! Bring on the piss!" and someone brought on the piss. I dont know who'd bring piss on but you can pretty much hire anyone on Google these days. Just type in "piss painters" or something I'm sure somebody will come over and coat you down with a sheet off piss for a reasonable price.
He would steal from the class, he was a f**king thief, A F**KING stealing thief! He would use his piss vapour to deter you away from watching him STEAL S**T from the class, cause he's a thief, a clepto thief, Obby. He would always take my favorite markers, those smelly markers, remember those? The teacher would put them out and everyone would freak. "GIVE ME THE RED ONE! GIVE ME THE RED ONE!" (smells) "Hah!" (smells) "Smells like cherries, I guarantee you, this is like cherries but it's a marker. Gimme the brown one, I'll trade ya!" (smells) "CINNAMON, this one's cinnamon, the brown is cinnamon!" (smells) "How do they do this, how do they do this?!" But the black one always smelt like an asshole, didn't it? You grab the black one... (smells) "What is that?!" (smells) "That is a bag of asses!" (smells) "I'm keepin this, this one's mine!" (smells) "I can't stop guys, I can't!" (smells) "I just saw Jesus's eyes! This marker has shown me Jesus's eyes!"
And even though this marker smelt like an asshole AND you just saw Jesus's eyes, there was still a kid following you around. "Can I smell? Can I smell? What does it smell? I didn't get a..." (whines) "Can I..." (whines) And then he would aggravate you until you were like "Here, fine, smell it!" And when he leaned in, you go "AAAAAAAA-ha-ha-ha-ha, nice face!" (smells) "I'm going to go puke blood! What are you? WHAT ARE YOU ?!"
They always want head. We love it. We always have to watch, right? Right, if you have a lot of hair we f**king turn into Vidal Sassoon all of a sudden. We got like scrunchies and banana clips coming out of nowhere. Hairspray. "Good. Good. Good." Front row seats. "I like that with the lips, the thing you're doing with the lips is good."
You know what's so weird, why does this happen? This is a weird thing... phenomena. Alright. Sometimes guys, you're having sex right, and everything's going great, everything's, you know,NNNNEEEEEAAAUUU, right? When all of a sudden, there's a voice that comes into our brains and starts telling us to say s**t. Like, "Yeah, say that, say that, it's perfect. Say that right now," right? So you're like, "Yeah, f**king say that," and you just grab her hair and you whisper, "Eeeyeaa," and you don't think about it, you just say it . "Yeaaah, f**king s-say things. You hear what I say? You like that, huh?"
Right, but yeah, you say things, but sometimes you say some s**t and then you think about it like two hours later, and you're like, "What the f**k was I talking about?!" And you get all embarrassed, like I was with this girl recently, right, and I was just totally in the zone, right, and out of nowhere I was like, "Ohhhh yeaaaaah, my d**k feels like corn." Sounded good at the time. She didn't even miss a beat, she was like, "Gimme the butter, baby, gimme the butter! Come on, Orville Redembacher, pop that p***y!"
We should just have an orgy right here, right now. Let's just f**king turn off the lights and everybody just feeeeeeel around. Le's just turn off the lights and play a game called Who's In My Mouth? (audience member cries "careful") Did you just say, "careful?" What are you, like my lifeguard? "Careful! Careful, Dane! What, are you spotting my jokes? Careful... careful..."
I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day. Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly." Yeah? Who the f**k doesn't? Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." Shwwooosh and zip up into the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."
You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, "You know what?" Pppptthhh! "Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude." Pppptthhh!
These are all dreams. These are all things we want to have. (to man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to cover him with spaghetti right now. Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very egotistical. Ahhh, Christ. Not you.
I'd love to shoot a laser out of my c**k. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.
Dane Cook Quotes
When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything f**king wet?
Wouldn't it be awesome just to come home and know that somewhere in your place there's a monkey you're gonna battle?I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably, watching T, you hear a car pulling up. Like, "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive. You look out: strange car, you don't know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What, I don't know this car!" Then they turn to leave. You're like, "You son of a bitch! You wasted moments of my life! Moments I will never get back!"
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.
I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey, because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.
(From The Tonight Show on November 24, 2005)
Just go to an airport, stand in front of a person who is waiting for their flight, and stare at them until they notice you are there. When they look at you, just say "Don't get on the flight" and walk away. You know they're sitting there going "I don't think I should get on this fucking flight.. I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight.. Thank you angel wearing jeans!"
(Track 16 Pranks - Harmful If Swallowed (2003))
Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass *smack* I'M YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE!! AAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! *smack* IM FROM THE FUTURE!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!!!
I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.
By the way, I say God bless you when someone sneezes.. I never say bless you. Do you want to know why? Because I'm not the Lord! I can't do that . . . I'm just a messenger for the big guns up stairs. And I never say gesundheit, who even says that? GESUNDHEIT! I felt like I'm honoring Hitler or something, Like I'll end up on the History Channel because someone sneezed.
(Vicious Circle (HBO, 2006))
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
(Vicious Circle (HBO, 2006))
Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It's ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It's just wrong and fake and no!"
(Vicious Circle (HBO, 2006))
Dane Cook Movie Quotes
Good Luck Chuck
Dan Fogler (Dr. Stu Kaminsky): ... she's angry, rude, and she smells bad ... in addition to back acne, she's got, front acne and side acne ... you see that glass of water there, she keeps her teeth in that glass ...
Dane Cook (Dr. Charlie Logan): ... so you're saying that she's single ...
Good Luck Chuck
Dane Cook (Charlie Logan): ... what's sex without love?
Dan Fogler (Stu Kaminsky): ... sex ... it's still sex!
My Best Friend's Girl
Dane Cook (Tank): [to Alexis] "You're not attractive! There, I said it."
Kate Hudson (Alexis): "You sure it's just not a size thing?"
Dane Cook (Tank): "What really sucks is having an ass the size of a" [gets slapped]
Kate Hudson (Alexis): "You think [puts Tanks hand on her ass] that's too big?" [kisses Tank]
Luis Guzmán (Raddimus): ... 5 second rule, the 5 second rule ...
Skyler Stone (Cook #1): ... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ...
Dane Cook (Floyd): ... there it is ...
Luis Guzmán: ... a little slow spice makes everything nice, there you go ...
Dane Cook: ... damn man, we almost had to switch to the 10 second rule ...
The Tonight Show on October 25, 2007
Jay Leno: ... you have like 2 million friends on MySpace ...
Dane Cook: ... that's true, some people out here, my friends ...
Jay Leno: ... how do you do that, I mean 2 million ...
Dane Cook: ... that's a lot of time spent sitting in your underwear eating Froot Loops, clicking accept over and over again ...