Carl Barron Stand Up Jokes
I was asked by a waitress, with a straight face she said "Would you care for an orange juice?". I said "If it needed me". "Is it going to be alright?"
I saw a bloke the other day talking to himself. So I tried to listen but I couldn't hear him. But the weird part is while I was watching him I was going "That bloke's bloody talkin' to himself over there." There's another bloke looking at me going "That bloke's bloody talkin' to himself over there."
I'll never forget the day my mum said "Carl when I was your age I used to go to the movies with a bottle of water and some Sayo's." I was thinking "Shit. Mum's a loser." Imagine trying to crack onto someone at the movies. "G'day darl. Got a packet of Sayo's. Wash it down with a bottle of water."
Have you ever done those Coca-Cola burps that come out of your nose and eyeballs? You think a burp looks bad! Someone's just thinking "Shit what's wrong with his head."
You know those people who let their yawn out and they keep talkin'. "Yeah Tuesday would be pretty good (continues talking while yawning)" "Yeah no worries."
I love tea. Mmmm. I know I'm getting old because I'm startin' get excited about tea. Just sitting in the loungeroom bored ya no. Somebody goes "You want a cup of tea?" and I go "Oar he hor." Start feeling a little bit depressed when it gets to the bottom, I think to myself I'll just make myself another cup, I can feel happy again.
Sometimes you're talkin' and a little bit of spit flies out. You see it floating in the sky and land on 'em. You both see it happen and you go "Ooooh" you're thinkin' "Woops I got him!" He's thinking "Woops he got me!" But no one says anything. Because it's a secret. If his spit lands on me I don't do anything, I don't wipe it straight away, because I don't wanna embarass them. Hey, I've got his spit on my face and I'm worried about his feelings. You go "Sorry Carl" and I go "Nah, nah it's alright, I love being spat on."
I had a sandwich and this greenpeace girl came up to me and said "What's in that sandwich?" I said "Dolphin."
I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don't fart once. I go on a date and I've got twenty in the bank straight away.
Do you do those secret farts at the supermarket. Quickly piss off to another aisle.
My friends like to tell me before they fart like it's important. They get really excited, like I wanna know about it. "Jeez I'm gonna fart." "Don't do it in here ya dickhead there's no windows." Or they tell you after they've done it. "I just farted." But nobody ever tell's you while their doing it. That'd be a bit weird going "I'm farting! (Pause) Still goin'!"
My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.
This country singer before every song would go "This is a beautiful little song and it goes a little something like this." I felt like saying "Mate just play it exactly how it goes...How long have you been playing it for?...You haven't nailed it yet?"
Some bloke came up to me the other day. I think he was from Spain or something. He went "Carl, I learn my English from watching your DVDs" I said "Oh mate you're in trouble."
In potatoes there's this substance called "the fuck." I didn't know about it til I was cooking potatoes and dad came in and said "Carl you'll boil the bloody fuck out of the potatoes"
"You're just like your father....You're just like your mother" Great I'm a transvestite.
"I slept like a baby" What you wake up at 2 in the morning crying cause you shit in your pants?"
People think I'm laid back. I'm not. I'm tired.
Surely fruit flies have gotta be healthier than normal flies.
"Fashionably late" Can you turn up unfashionably early?
I had an imaginary friend. He had a real one.