Buddy Hackett Stand Up Jokes
A guy said to me, "There's only 10 snow geese left in the world."
I said, "One shits on my car, there'll be 9."
The whole thing is if the dog's in the room with you during sex and you don't know he's there. And you're going pretty good and you hear an extra set of breathing. You're scared to open your eyes. You think the kids are selling tickets or something.
Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
I used to like to dig myself a hole just to see how long it took to get out of it.
I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.
It's only a joke and the duck didn't really die, and you conservationists are probably all pure vegetarians and don't eat meat or anything like that and you're worried...I hope a butterfly flies up your nose you choke to death!
I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.
When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.
A guy says what up with your sister.
He say "Well my sister's in the army."
Guy says "What do you mean the regular army, how could your sister be in the regular army?"
He says "Well she puts her hair up under the hat and she straps herself down and then she wears mens clothes."
Guy said "Why at night, she's got to take them clothes off, take the hat off and they'll see the long hair and they'll see the way she's built. They'll go in the shower together...someones going to find out"
He says "Yeah but whose gonna tell."