Brian Regan Stand Up Jokes
In a store I saw that Peanut Butter and jelly in the same jar stuff. What's the point to that? I'm lazy but- I want to meet the guy who needs that. "I could go for a sandwich, but I'm not gonna open two jars."
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
I don't know what the hell is going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job- he's showing up everywhere. "Hey, you got some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We'll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What you got grapes? How about cran-grape! What you got mangos? Cran-mango! What you got pork chops? Cran-chops!" Why don't you back off, cranberry man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.
I thought yoga was easy -- I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners' yoga tape. I couldn't do anything on the whole hour -- nothing -- just fast forwarding: can't do that, can't do that -- I know I can't do that. This woman in a soothing voice: 'Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it on the small of your back.'
You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too -- in case you ever fly some day.'
I'm lookin' at the Pop-Tarts box and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species- They have toaster directions, which, I'm not makin' this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step. I don't know how that's possible that the directions are longer than one. You think it would be, "Step one: Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast 'em. It's okay. Hey, are you still readin' this?"
So my eye doctor told me this. He said, "Did you know you have one eye set higher than the other eye?" "No" "It's no big deal. It doesn't affect your vision or anything. I just thought you'd like to be self conscious for the rest of your life."
They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' I don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.
I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.
It's good to be here. I'm just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It's not working out too well.
My eye doctor told me this, I'm not making this up. He goes, 'You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye?' 'No, I didn't know that.' He goes, 'It's no big deal; it doesn't affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.'
I have a friend who swears by food combinations -- have you heard of this nonsense? She's nuts. She's like, 'You know what? You should eat food combinations, and that way you can eat whatever you want. It's just the combinations of how you put the food together.' And then her examples are like, 'You wouldn't want to eat steak and potatoes together, but you could have, like, a lemon rind and raisin skins -- not the whole raisin, take the skins and steam them.'
I was reading a Fig Newtons label -- I've always liked them, and I was trying to see if it was OK to eat them. Everything looked pretty good, the fat content and everything. So, I'm thinking I could eat these. I looked at the serving size: two cookies. Who the hell eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve. Two sleeves is a serving size.
I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.
You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There's 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is 'film editor.' This poor guy, he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product.
I go over to this other area where there's nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and I just start moving stuff. This guy comes up: 'Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painters' scaffolding?'
You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.
It's the competition that I think is weird. They're not lifting weights. It's like, 'Alright, Kalkrovich, we fill these grand pianos with molten lead. See how many you can hurl in that third story window in 30 seconds.'
The hard part was being the kid that got sent in first to calm Mom down before you dragged in the actual banged up brother. So you'd have to run in, 'Hey, Mom, everything's fine. I just wanted to run in at full speed and say hi. And OK, so, you know Kevin? Of course. Well, you know how his right arm -- usually it would bend like that? It's not bending like that right now. And it's no big deal because we already looked at it. But we were thinking, since you said that you had to go get milk later anyway, then we were all thinking if, when you go, you just might want to take him to the hospital? And if you get peanut butter, get smooth.'
I've got to lay off the dairy. That's what my doctor threw in as I was leaving his office: 'Oh, and lay off dairy!' I'm like, what the? What kind of blanket sweep is that? 'Lay off dairy!' He should have just said, 'And no more happiness!'
What were you thinking right before you hit the ground, Evel? What were you thinking?' I remember thinking: 'Hey, did I turn off the iron?' Then, my leg cracked in half. Then I was thinking: 'Hey, maybe I should get a puppy?'
They have the x-ray area. I don't mind going through it, but I get tired of the businessmen who make way too big a deal out of their computers. 'Excuse me, I have a computer. I have a computer here. I don't know how you're going to handle this -- my computer.' Oh, is he from the future? They've been around a while, pal. I think they have a way to handle your computation machine.
I eat like a kid. I like Chef Boyardee, the ravioli. But they have some stuff I've never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant: 'Hi, how are you? Like to start with a nice bottle of Chianti and a couple of Cesar salads to get started and, um, I'm going to have the Beef-a-Roni -- and some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the lady.'
I heard on the news once, and my uncle does this. The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow, where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crank of noon, make sure there's no corn growin'. You know we used to not grow tomatoes, but there's more money in not growin' corn."
Politicians have a lot to deal with these days. It's a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their life long dream, and every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose.
They have a section called, 'New Baby.' I don't think you need the word 'new.' They'd have to clear up confusion. 'Do you have an Old Baby section? 'Cause my friend's had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and he's 12.'
You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.
I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He's showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We'll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape. What do you got mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops. Why don't you back off, cranberry man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.
I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that, I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody, "Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee me I couldnt tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me-- MEeee-- MEEee- MEEEEE-- MEEEEEEEEEEE! MEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Beware the Me Monster.