Bob Monkhouse Jokes - Bob Monkhouse One Liners Jokes

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Bob Monkhouse Stand Up Jokes

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian ... They're not laughing now."

"Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional."

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time."

"Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?"

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance."

"People always say: 'You're a comedian, tell us a joke.' They don't say: 'You're an MP, tell us a lie.'

"What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals."

"What do gardeners do when they retire?"

"When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?"

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I got my start in silent radio.

I saw a specialist who asked me: 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?' I said: 'I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas'.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.

My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.

The Royal Shakespeare Company once did 'Julius Caesar' in New York. When Caesar was stabbed onstage, half the audience left because they didn't want to get involved.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

On writing jokes for Bob Hope: "Once I was in the bathroom of his hotel suite, attending to nature's call and he knocked loudly and called out: 'There's paper in there, keep writing'."

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