Bob Hope Stand Up Jokes
"Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees"
"I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead!"
"I asked my good friend, Arnold Palmer how I could improve my game, he advised me to Cheat!"
"I've played some strange rounds of golf in my travels. One course in Alaska was hacked out of the wilderness. My caddy was a moose. Every time I reached for a club he thought I was trying to steal his antlers."
"The Scottish caddies are great. One old fellow at St. Andrews told me, "I had a golfer who was so lousy he threw his clubs into the water. Then he dived in himself. I thought he was going to drown, but I remembered he couldn't keep his head down long enough."
"I have performed for twelve presidents and entertained six."
"I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people that restored the Statue of Liberty."
"One sailor told me the pretty nurse on his ward really knows her job. She takes our blood pressure and then deducts twenty points for "white dress" syndrome.
"I've been with NBC so long. I was here when the peacock was just an egg"
"Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don't worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it."
"The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the presidency." -On the many Democrats running for president in 1988
"I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House." -On Gary's Hart's campaign for president
"It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets."
"I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King."
"Television. That's where movies go when they die."
"Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent do that."
"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in. "
"If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble."
"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance..... waiting for the bathroom."
"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. "
"You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. "
"Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong."
"Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead."
"Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here - just for me." -On a visit to Vietnam in 1972