Billy Connolly Jokes

Billy Connolly Stand Up Jokes

"If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?"

"Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life."

"I'm much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America. . . . People shout: "Hey I know you! You're That Guy.""

"My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo."

"I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour."

"So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?"

"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."

"What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?"

"American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with."

"Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?"

"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?"

"That man (Ronald Reagan), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television!"

"The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather."

"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit."

"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards."

"No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke."

"53 fucking virgins! The very thought of 53 fucking virgins, it's a nightmare! It's not a fucking present, it's not a prize- it's a punishment! Give me 2 fire-breathing whores any day of the week. I'm a slut man!"

"You said, "If you're ever in Los Angeles we must have dinner"- well, he's here. That's not an invitation! Translated, it means: "You're a boring piece of shit, I'm off, I've had enough of you!"

"I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little. "

"Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose. "

"When I was a boy I was a Catholic. I paid the fine and got out."

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!"

"When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?"

"I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog. And being a folk singer doesn't make you atractive to women."

Billy Connolly Movie Quotes

Connor: Now you will receive us.
Murphy: We do not ask for your poor, or your hungry.
Connor: We do not want your tired and sick.
Murphy: It is your corrupt we claim.
Connor: It is your evil that will be sought by us.
Murphy: With every breath we shall hunt them down.
Connor: Each day, we will spill their blood till it rains down from the skies.
Murphy: Do not kill, do not rape, do not steal, these are principles which every man of every faith can embrace.
Connor: These are not polite suggestions, these are codes of behavior and those of you that ignore them will pay the dearest cost.
Murphy: There are varying degrees of evil, we urge you lesser forms of filth not to push the bounds and cross over, into true corruption, into our domain.
Connor: For if you do, one day you will look behind you and you will see we three. And on that day, you will reap it.
Murphy: And we will send you to whatever god you wish.
[Murphy and Conner join II Duce behind Yakavetta]
Connor, Murphy, Billy Connolly (Il Duce): And shepherds we shall be, for Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, that our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be.
Billy Connolly (Il Duce): In nomine Patri.
Connor: Et Fili.
Murphy: Spiritus Sancti.
[they execute Yakavetta]
Boondock Saints

Billy Connolly (Il Duce): Whosoever shed man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed. For in the image of God made He man.
Boondock Saints

Connor: How far are we gonna take this, Da?
Billy Connolly (Il Duce): The question is not how far. The question is, do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far is as needed?
Boondock Saints

Billy Connolly (Il Duce): Never shall innocent blood be shed, yet the blood of the wicked shall flow like a river. The Three shall spread their blackened wings and be the vengeful striking hammer of God.
Boondock Saints

Billy Connolly (Il Duce): When I raise my flashing sword, and my hand takes hold on judgment, I will take vengeance upon mine enemies, and I will repay those who haze me. Oh, Lord, raise me to Thy right hand and count me among Thy saints.
Boondock Saints

Billy Connolly (Uncle Monty): Now, the children will be helping us extensively with the research in Peru. Do you have any experience with children?
Count Olaf: [in disguise as Stephano] Children are strange and foreign to me. I never really was one. I do know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Billy Connolly (Uncle Monty): We can have time for chit-chat later. What I need now is the work of a reader, an inventor, and a biter.
Sunny: [in baby talk] My teeth are at your service, sir.
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Billy Connolly (Uncle Monty): I was wondering if you wouldn't mind milking Petunia for me?
Count Olaf: Petunia? Well- uh- yeah. Sure. I'll take a shot at that.
[Grabbing for snake with stick, unsure]
Count Olaf: You know, they used to call me Old McDonald up at the milking lab. I used to milk these things all day long.
[lifting snake]
Count Olaf: But the little udders- they're hard to locate.
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Klaus Baudelaire: That's the Two-Headed Cobra!
Billy Connolly (Uncle Monty): Well spotted!
Violet Baudelaire: Is that a he or a she?
Billy Connolly (Uncle Monty): I have no idea! I didn't think it polite to ask.
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Billy Connolly (Il Duce): Peace, they say, is the enemy of memory. So it had been for my boys. For some time now, their past had felt like a dream. Then, suddenly, it was back.
The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day

Billy Connolly (Il Duce): Someone's trying to call them out. You kill a priest. In a church. And make it look like it was them. Bring them back with a vengeance. Someone thinks it's really clever. Only one problem with this little plan.
Father Sibeal MacManus: What's that?
Billy Connolly (Il Duce): It worked.
The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day

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