Bernie Mac Stand Up Jokes
Son of bitch kids too God damn smart for me. Sassy-talking, shaking heads and shit. “Talk to the hand. Talk to the hand.” See, I'm from the old school, I'll kick a kid ass. When a kid gets one years old, I believe you have the right to hit them in the throat or the stomach. if you're grown enough to talk back, you're grown up enough to get fucked up.
You know you're black motherfucka when you put fingerprints on charcoal.
When white people go on break at their job. 15 minutes. They go to their desk. They eat their cheese sandwich. Drink their God damn tea. 15 minutes they're back on the fucking job.
My people I don't know what the fuck is wrong with us. But when we go on break, that's just what the fuck we do…. we break. You got to look for our motherfucking ass. “You seen Johnny?”
“When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's heaven here on earth.”
I will fuck a kid up. When a kid gets one-years-old, I believe you got the right to hit him in either the throat or the stomach. If you grown enough to talk back, you grown enough to get fucked up!
If you don't bust a nut when I bust a nut... then you fresh outta fuckin' luck wit' me!
I came home at one o' clock in the morning. The two-year-old send the faggot downstairs for some milk and cookies! I'm comin' upstairs, he walkin' downstairs. He gon' walk past me like I'm a visitor, you know... [imitates his nephew's blank stare]. I said, "where you goin?" [as his nephew, in a stereotypically gay voice] "To get some milk an' cooookies!" He said it so funny, I wanted to hear him say it again! I said, "some what?" [as his nephew] "Some milk an' cooooooookies!!'".
I had a white guy tell me... he said, "Bern, why do black folks use the word 'mother-fucker?'" Well, I'm gonna break down what the word "mother-fucker" actually means. "Mother-fucker" is somethin' that black folks have been using for years. It's about expression. Don't be ashamed of the word "mother-fucker." Because the word "mother-fucker" is a noun: it describes a person, place, or thing!
Bernie Mac Movie Quotes
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): [opens the door for Floyd to leave] get the fuck out.
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): Well, I guess you don't give a fuck about the money then, huh?
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): What money? It's a funeral! Don't nobody get paid to sing at no damn funeral!
[suddenly looks at Louis and raises his eyebrows]
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): How much?
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): Forty grand.
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): [closes the door] Apiece?
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): No, down the middle.
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO. That ain't even enough.
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): The fuck you mean "that's not enough", man?
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): I got a lifestyle to maintain here!
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): What kinda lifestyle, man? You filthy motherfucker! You got a pantry full of dogfood, but I don't see no dog!
Louis Hinds (Samuel L Jackson): Dog under the bed, Nigga! You lucky he ain't attacked your ass when you came in!
Floyd Henderson (Bernie Mac): YOU THE DOG, MOTHERFUCKER!
Frank (Bernie Mac): You have lovely hands. Do you moisturize?
Billy Tim Denham: I'm Sorry?
Frank (Bernie Mac): You know, I've tried all sorts of moisturizers. I even went fragrance free for a whole year. Now my sister, she uses some kind of uh... uh... uh... uh... aloe vera with a little sunscreen in it, and ideally, we should all wear gloves when going to bed, but I found out that that creates a kind of an interference with my... social agenda, you know what I mean.
Frank Catton (Bernie Mac): Let me break it down for you like a fraction.
Danny Ocean: How much is everyone short?
Turk Malloy: 14.
Virgil Malloy: You're kidding me! You spent all but 5 million?
Turk Malloy: Yes! Are you going to start on me with that too? You don't know what it's like starting something from scratch!
Virgil Malloy: Well, with interest, I'm short 7.
Frank Catton (Bernie Mac): Eight.
Linus Caldwell: Well, I spent a million on talent development, so I guess that leaves me at 7. Boy, that interest just kills you, man!
Basher Tarr: I'm light 9.
Livingston Dell: What's the interest?
Reuben Tishkoff: 6.
Livingston Dell: Then I owe 6.
Turk Malloy: What?
Livingston Dell: I've been living with my parents.
Rusty Ryan: I owe 25.
[everyone looks at him, he chuckles wryly]
Rusty Ryan: Hotels, man.
Frank Catton (Bernie Mac): [after Yen spoke in Chinese] What did he say about Samsung?
Livingston Dell: He said he used to bowl with the owner of Samsung.
Abigail Sponder: We're gonna have to let you go. Turn in your uniform.
Fired Waitress: I only gained 4 pounds. You can't.
Abigail Sponder: Yeah, well your body index is not what it's supposed to be.
Fired Waitress: But Ms. Sponder...
Abigail Sponder: Oh, no, baby doll. It's your butt that's the problem.
Frank Catton (Bernie Mac): [voiceover] You can't fire no waitress based on appearance. Man that's just unconstitutional.
Danny Ocean: If they were waitress.
Linus Caldwell: Yeah, they're actually hired as 'models who serve' so that Bank can monitor their physical appearance.
Rusty Ryan: It's a cruel, cruel practice.
Gin (Bernie Mac): Look here, get himy outta here and I'll go smooth things over with Chipeska, Tell him it was food poisoning or something.
Marcus: What do you mean, get him outta here?
Gin (Bernie Mac): Take him to the car.
Marcus: In case you didn't notice I'm a motherfucking dwarf, so unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand hmm?
Gin (Bernie Mac): That figures. You want all kind of set-asides. Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped. You're all the same.
Marcus: Special treatment? I'm 3-foot-fucking-tall you asshole! It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?
Gin (Bernie Mac): Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!
Marcus: Sketch it up, you fucking moron. Fucking Leonardo da Vinci.
Gin (Bernie Mac): What'd you call me thigh-high?
Marcus: I called you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead!
Gin (Bernie Mac): I could stick you up my ass, small fry.
Marcus: Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night?
Gin (Bernie Mac): You got some lip on you midget.
Marcus: yeah? Well these lips were on your wife's pussy last night. Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? Asshole!
Gin (Bernie Mac): We split the dough right down the middle. Any merchendise you take, I get to look at and cherry pick.
Marcus: No. Money is one thing but you ain't getting the sh...
Gin (Bernie Mac): This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it's gonna be. This is pricks fix!
Willie: Pricks fix?
Marcus: Ah, he's a fucking moron.
Willie: Oh really? Is that how you got the upper hand?
Marcus: Fuck you.
Marcus: You don't like it? Next year, fuck off. I can always get another box jockey.
Willie: Yeah and I can get another midget too.
Marcus: Yeah? Where? You see us hanging off of fucking trees like fucking crab apples?
[Stan is in a commerical]
Stan (Bernie Mac): You don't like me because I sign autographs.
[hits a baseball]
Stan (Bernie Mac): You don't like me because I tell you what's on my mind.
[Hits another baseball]
Stan (Bernie Mac): But you love me because I am the greatest hitters alive!
[swings a few more times]
Tom Arnold: Hey, we're sorry about all that stuff we said before you hit that homer...
Stan (Bernie Mac): Yeah, you wouldn't be anywhere if it wasn't for Roseanne.