Bernard Manning Stand Up Jokes
Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn't reach.
Man says to his wife: 'Pack your bags, I've won the pools.'
She says: 'What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?'
He says: 'We're going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.'
I don't believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in
Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.
'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quite - 'very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.
I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn't like it when you join in.
So David, what about the stick after the Argentinian game?
Oh, she was fine with it.
I feel sorry for people that don't drink, because when they wake up in the morning, that's
the best they're going to feel all day.
A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, 'Do you want a blow job?' He said, 'Will it affect me dole money?'
What's the difference between an Iraqi woman and a pilchard?
One's ugly, greasy, with bulging eyes. The other's a fish.
I have a pakistani who lives next door to me,
He said the other day to me "I'm a better man than you"
I said "I never said you fucking wasn't, but what makes you think your a better man than me?"
He said "I don't have a fucking Paki, living next door to me"
Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids.
He said, 'For the last time, I haven't got your football.'
I went to Anfield the other day to watch a match. A scouse lad said, 'Can I mind your car for you mister?'
I said, 'No! And for your information, there's a Rottweiler in the back.' The lad said: 'Put out fires, can he?'
Theres two fellas running down the road "Help! Help! a lions escaped"
A passerby said "Which way did it go?"
One of the fellas says "you stupid cunt, you don't think we're fuckin chasing it do ya?"
"Jackanory stuff, is for wimps. Grown men that work on building sites don't want to hear 'ecky thump' and 'ooh dammit'."
"I see they've found Donald Campbell's body - it came out of a tap in Huddersfield!" Racist? Bigotted? Unpleasant? No, just a keen and very funny observer of human life.
A Yorkshire couple go to the Costa Brava for a holiday, but on arrival, the wife says "I won't be able to make gravy with your dinner, love - I've forgotten the Bisto"
The husband says, "Don't worry, there's an English couple staying in the next apartment, I'll see if they have any"
So he knocks on the door of the next apartment, and says to the man" 'Allo, 'hast any Bisto"
To which the man replies "Piss off, you Spanish prat!""
When you tell a joke to a farmer, he laughs three times--once when you tell it, once when you explain it, and once when he gets it. For farmers love to laugh.
When you tell a joke to a merchant, he laughs twice--once when you tell it, and once when you explain it. But although he is polite company, he will never understand the joke.
When you tell a joke to an officer, he laughs once--when you tell it. For he never gives you a chance to explain it, and it goes without saying that he will never understand it.
But when you tell a joke to a Jew, before you're even finished he's interrupting you--he's heard that one before, and "you're telling it all wrong!" So then he tells you the joke--and in a much better version than your own.