Benny Hill Jokes

Benny Hill Stand Up Jokes

"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."

"Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish."

"Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?"

"Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?"

"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand."

I call one of my dogs greyhound on a account he's the grayest. I call another dog happy on account he's the gayest. I call the big dog meanie on a account he's the meanest. And I call the pup Liberace on a account he's the peein'est!.

"A nudist from notting hill gate, was pushed into a pond by his mate, a tiddler swam by and said with a sigh "Will you look what they're using for bait."

Please don't blame our doggie.
It's not his fault at all.
Someone left a wet umbreller
leaning against the wall.

Why do cemeteries have walls?
It's queer without a doubt.
The people outside don't want to get in.
And the people inside surely can't get out.

Mother and son riding a carnival ride. Son says, "Mummy, I need to go wee."
Mother says, "Can you wait 'til the ride's over?"
"No, Mummy- I need to go wee now!"
Mother motions and finally gets the ride attendant's attention, and eventually gets across that they need to have the ride stopped. Embarassed, Mother takes the kid off the ride, and heads over to the restrooms. Once there, she says, "Okay, you can go wee now."

Benny Hill Show Routines

Benny Hill: "Good morning I'd like to buy a brassiere for the wife please." Woman: What size? Benny Hill: 15.
Woman: 15? What did you measure it with?
Benny Hill: With my bowler hat, (pulls out hat), two 7 and a halves.

Benny: It's an honor and a privilege.
Interviewer: It is for me too.
Benny: That's what I meant!

Benny:"Susan came along, she's a lovely bit of stuff"
Background Singers: "At the Streaker's Ball!"
Benny:"Johnny had a stroke, and so did Mister Duff"
Background Singers: "At the Streaker's Ball!"
Benny:"I wanted one as well, but I wasn't quick enough!"
Background Singers: "At the Streaker's Ball!"
They had a streaker's wedding, at least that's what I'm told
Background Singers: At the Streaker's Ball,
And the bridegroom couldn't find a place to put his button hole
Background Singers: At the Streaker's Ball
A bridesmaid was heard to mutter, "Oh, what utter bliss,
A slap-up streaker's wedding is a thing I'd never miss.
And you can always tell who the best man is,"
Background Singers: At the Streaker's Ball...

Friend: "I've never been so insulted in all my life!"
Benny: "Well, that's your fault isn't it - you should get out more."

A man (Benny) walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with three other men in various stages of undress in the room.
Benny: Allo Allo Allo!
Wife: Ain't ya gonna speak to me?

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