Aziz Ansari Stand Up Jokes
My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There's candles in the car. You go 'Is that dangerous?" and I go, Yes... but I like danger. We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, "Aziz, your cars on fire. Aren't you upset?" I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.
I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.
"I see people my age getting married to people they’ve known for like a year and a half. A year and a half? Is that enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them? I’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and I was like 'What the fuck was I doing with this sweater?' "
"Today, if you own a smartphone, you’re carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket."
I was in a relationship for a few years and I think in the time I was in the relationship all dating communication went exclusively to text. You can’t call anybody anymore, if you call people: "What are you on fire?" "Quit wasting my time, text me that shit!"
I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f*cked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape shit with it.
"There’s something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we’ll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it. But seriously, if the person doesn’t clip their toenails or wear clean socks, look elsewhere. There are plenty of options."
Aziz Ansari Movie Quotes
30 Minutes or Less (2011) (Chet)
Chet : [gasp as Nick shows the bomb vest] What the fuck? Is that thing real?
Nick : Chet, if I don't get to the money in time. This thing gonna blow.
Chet : [angry] And your first though was to come to a school, filled with young children
Chet : Maybe I should just become a bank robber. I'm pretty good at it. Teachers don't make shit. Bank robbers make bank.
Chet : [trying to pick out the right toy gun to buy and use in the robbery by practicing with it in the store] EVERYBODY! GET DOWN ON THE GR...
Nick : Shhh! Jesus!
Chet : [more quietly] Everybody! Get down on the ground NOW and go get us our money!
Nick : Uh, how are they supposed to get the money when you just told them...
Chet : Go get us our money and THEN everybody get down on the ground!
Funny People (2009) (Randy)
It's a little place known as Cold Stone Creamery. Now the thing about Cold Stone is the sizes are like it, love it, and gotta have it. What kind of crack head terminology is that?"
What size you want man. I don't know man. I just gotta have it. Put some ice cream in a cup, put some sprinkles, put your dick in a butterfinger and f*ck it for me please.
Put in the cup, I'm tweaking. I'm tweaking.
Observer and Report (2009) (Saddamn)
Saddamn : Why the fuck would I want to blow up the Chick-fil-A? It's fucking delicious!
Aziz Ansari Parks and Recreation (Tom Haverford) Quotes
Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.
I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba? DJ Roomba, tearin' it upppppp!
She broke up with me. Didn’t really tell me why. Luckily when you’re the guy, you can just tell people she’s crazy. ‘Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.’ ‘Yeah, man. Turns out, she’s crazy.’ That’s what they always do on 'Entourage.'
At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.
When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.