Andy Kaufman Jokes

Andy Kaufman Stand Up Jokes
Okay, now be quiet, I will pay $1000 to any woman that will beat me in this ring. I will not only do that, I will shave my head completely bald if I am beaten here. And any woman that will beat me has an extra prize she will get to marry me. Right here. She will take my hand in marriage. I will offer my hand in marriage if she beats me right here.

I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut, or get angry from the gut.

I am not a comic, I have never told a joke...The comedian's promise is that he will go out there and make you laugh with him...My only promise is that I will try to entertain you as best I can....They say, 'Oh wow, Andy Kaufman, he's a really funny guy.' But I'm not trying to be funny. I just want to play with their heads.

What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality.

Right now, I'd like to do a comedy routine. Up to now everytime I've appeared some place. I always do the foreign man character, that I do. And I'd like to branch out and you know do myself.

I don't understand one thing. No seriously, why is everyone going boo, on like the joke. Then when I don't want you to laugh your laughing. Like right now.

While all the other kids were out playing ball and stuff, I used to stay in my room and imagine that there was a camera in the wall. And I used to really believe that I was putting on a television show and that it was going out to somewhere in the world.

When I perform, it's very personal. I'm sharing things I like, inviting the audience into my room.

Taxi (Latka Gravas) Quotes
Latka Gravas: "I will alter my lifestyle to fit the fast lane...."

Louie De Palma: So tell me Latka What's been new in your life?
Latka Gravas: Oh, whats new?
Louie De Palma: Yeah!
Latka Gravas: Well this morning, I heard a very good joke from my cousin, Baji.
Louie De Palma: Oh, from Baji, well lets hear it. I love a good joke.
Latka Gravas: (Speaking native Eastern European while making hand motions)

Latka Gravas: I think that people in America will love my cookies and I think I am going to sell them in the stores.
Louie De Palma: That's it Latka, I told you to get back to work you foreign dog. Now get back to work.
Latka Gravas: What foreign dog? I don't have to take this from you. I don't even need this job. I have the cookies and I'm going to be rich and famous. Just like the Famous Amos, the chocolate chip cookie tycoon.
Louie De Palma: Oh yeah, Latka I'm warning you.
Latka Gravas: No, Louie I'm warning you.
Louie De Palma: Oh your warning me, when I'm trying to warn you.
Latka Gravas: I am warning you.
Louie De Palma: Your warning me?
Latka Gravas: Yes, I am quitting.
Louie De Palma: No your not Latka your not gonna quit. Because I'm gonna fire ya.
Latka Gravas: You cannot fire me if I'm gonna quit.
Louie De Palma: No you can't quit because I'm firing ya.
Latka Gravas: But you cannot fire me If I quit first.
Louie De Palma: (interrupting) You're Fired!

Latka Gravas: In America, a man can become another O.J. Simpson!
Latka's Mother: Who is O.J.Simpson?
Latka Gravas: The JUICE!

Louie De Palma: What's this?
Latka Gravas: It's a kebble.
Louie De Palma: What's a kebble?
Latka Gravas: 110 kebble make a lithnitch.
Louie De Palma: What's a lithnich?
Latka Gravas: 270 lithnich make a matta.
Louie De Palma: What's a matta?
Latka Gravas: I don't know, what's the matter with you?

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