I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth,
but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized,
warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a
guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to
find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the
shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas
morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there
would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on
to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with
all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest,
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance.