Short Cold Weather Jokes
Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!
Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.
Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!
Q: What eight letters can you find in water from the Arctic Ocean?
A: H to O! (H20)
Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!
Q: What do you call a cold ghost?
Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers?
Q: What did Amaruq say after building an igloo out of crystal clear ice?
A: "Living in a transparent igloo has its disadvantages - but you should see the murres smack it!"
Q: Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!
Q: What happened when all the muskox wool that was collected was stolen?
A: The police combed the area.
Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
Q: What did one Greenland Shark say to the other?
A: "Say, good lookin'... didn't I meet you last night at the feeding frenzy?"
Q: What's a sign that you have an irrational fear of icebergs?
A: You start having water-tight compartments installed in your pants.
Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
Q: What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?
A: Cold cream.
Q: Why was the Saami herder given an umbrella?
A: Because of the rain, dear.
Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
A: I have no eye deer.
Q: What did one Arctic murre say to the other?
A: "What? We flew 2000 miles for THIS?!"
Q: What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
A: "Where were you on the night of September to March?"
Q: What noise wakes you up at the North Pole around March 18?
A: The crack of dawn!
Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!
Q: What did the walrus say when it was late?
A: "I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."
Q: When are your eyes not eyes?
A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water!
Q: What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?
A: "Want to go for a spin?"
Q: What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?
A: A hare net!
Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A: A receding hare line.
Q: Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?
A: They're both below C level!
Q: What are caribou calves given to wear?
Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on ahead."
Q: What do you call a cat on ice?
A: One cool cat.
Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Q: What do Saami reindeer herders say to reindeer who complain?
Q: What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?
A: Lost! REALLY lost! (Penguins live in Antarctica.)
Q: Why did the man hide his money in the freezer?
A: Because he wanted cold hard cash.
Q: Why aren't penguins as lucky as Arctic murres?
A: The poor old penguins can't go south for the winter.
Q: How do you keep from getting cold feet?
A: Don't go around BRRfooted!
Q: What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
A: Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
Q: Why did the bride refuse to get married in an igloo?
A: She got cold feet.
Q: Where do seals go to see movies?
A: The dive-in!
Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!
Q: Why did the blonde serve her cheating husband frozen leftovers?
A: She heard that "Revenge is a dish best served cold".
Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...
Cold Weather Bar Jokes
The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the
Winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
New England Home
My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.
"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
Winters are fierce in Minnesota where he lives, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?"
The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?" The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!"
It Was So Cold that
We had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!
The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!"
Richard Simmons started wearing pants!
A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.
UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!
Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!
The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
I chipped a tooth on my soup!
My Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!
The dogs were wearing cats!
Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!
People with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!
Terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!
Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!
The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.
We had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords.
We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!
When we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!
Words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!
The dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just to get them running!
Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.
We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!
The Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started!
When we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs - or keep them running in place!