Violin Jokes

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a violin?
A: Hamstrings.

Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.

Q: Did you hear about the musical where a horse plays the violin?
A: Its called "Fiddler on the hoof"

Marriage is like playing the violin. It looks easy until you try it.

Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q: What do you throw a drowning violinist?
A: Her case.

Q: Did you hear the joke about classical music?
A: I don't remember how it goes, but the punchline is "the violinist got hit by a car".

Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Why did the musician go to Club Fit?
Answer: Because he wanted to be fit as a fiddle!

Q: What do you call a cow that plays violin?
A: A moo-sician

How do you get a million dollars playing the violin?
Start off with 2 million.

Hi, I'm here to tune your violin.
I didn't call anyone to fix my violin.
Yeah I know, but the neighbors called.

Q: Why don't violinists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.

Q: What is the perfect weight for a violinist?
A: 3 and a half pounds including the urn.

Q: What does a violin and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: How do you keep your jewelry from being stolen?
A: Leave it in a violin case.

Q: Why do violinists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Violinist: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.

Q: What's the best thing to play a violin with?
A: A razor blade.

Q: What's the difference between a violinist and god?
A: God doesn't think he's a violinist.

A young child told his mother "When I grow up I'm going to be a violinist."
His mother responded "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What do all great violinists have in common?
A: They are all dead.

Q: What does a violin and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Q: Did you hear about the violinist who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.

Q: What's the difference between a violin and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What do you call a successful violinist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.

Q: What's the difference between a violinist and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.

Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A violinist with a mortgage.

Q: Why shouldn't violinists take up mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

Doctor's Office
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician, I play the Violin."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

Saint Peter
St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of violinists. They called ground control with a list of demands.
Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one violinist an hour.

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