Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?
A: Shoot four of them.
Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.
Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
A: Because most oboes are full of holes.
Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: The bassoon burns longer.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the oboe recital.
Q: What do you call a cow that plays the oboe?
A: A moo-sician
Q: Why was the oboist arrested?
A: He was in treble.
Q: What do you throw a drowning oboe player?
A: Her case.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the woodwind?
A: I don't remember how it goes, but the punchline is "the oboe player got hit by a car".
How do you get a million dollars playing the oboe?
Start off with 2 million.
Q: Why do oboe players leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What's the difference between an oboist and god?
A: God doesn't think he's a oboist.
Oboist: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Q: What is the perfect weight for an oboe player?
A: 3 and a half pounds including the urn.
Q: What does an oboe and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: What do all great oboists have in common?
A: They are all dead.
Q: What does a oboe and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Q: What do you call a successful oboist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.
Q: What do you call a bunch of oboists in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.
Q: Did you hear about the oboist who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.
A young child told his mother "When I grow up I'm going to be an oboist."
His mother responded "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What's the difference between a oboist and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.
Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A oboist with a mortgage.
Q: What's the difference between a oboe and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: How do you keep your jewelry from being stolen?
A: Leave it in an oboe case.
Marriage is like playing the oboe. It looks easy until you try it.
Q: How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
A: Steal his batteries.
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician, I play the oboe."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of oboists. They called ground control with a list of demands.
Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one oboist an hour.