A harp is a nude piano.
A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A: A harpist tuning unison strings.
Q: How long does a harp stay in tune?
A: About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
Marriage is like playing the harp. It looks easy until you try it.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the harp recital.
Q: Did you hear the joke about Guiness beer?
A: I don't remember how it goes, but the punchline is "the harp player got hit by a drunk driver".
Q: What do you call ten harps at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Harpist: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.
A young child told his mother "When I grow up I'm going to play the harp."
His mother responded "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What do you call a cow that plays the harp?
A: A moo-sician
Q: What do you throw a drowning harpist?
A: Her case.
How do you get a million dollars playing the harp?
Start off with 2 million.
Q: What do all great harpists have in common?
A: They are all dead.
Q: What do you call a successful harpist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.
Q: What's the difference between a harpist and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.
Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A harpist with a mortgage.
Q: What does a harp and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Q: What's the best thing to play a harp with?
A: A razor blade.
Q: What do you call a bunch of harpists in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.
Q: Did you hear about the harpist who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.
Q: What's the difference between a harp and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What is the perfect weight for a harpist?
A: 3 and a half pounds including the urn.
Q: Why do musicians leave their harps on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What's the difference between a harpist and god?
A: God doesn't think he's a harpist.
Q: How do you keep your jewelry from being stolen?
A: Leave it under a harp.
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician, I play the Harp."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of harpists. They called ground control with a list of demands.
Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one harpist an hour.