Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison.
Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.
Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?
A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.
Q: How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: Why was the flutist arrested?
A: He was in treble.
A young child told his mother "When I grow up I'm going to be a flutist."
His mother responded "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What do you call a good flute section?
Flutist: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Q: What do you call ten flutes at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: Why do flutists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What's the difference between a flutist and god?
A: God doesn't think he's a flutist.
Q: How do you get a million dollars playing the flute?
A: Start off with 2 million.
Q: What do all great flutists have in common?
A: They are all dead.
Q: What musical instrument would a cucumber play?
A: A pickle-o.
Q: What does a flute and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Q: What's the difference between a flute and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What do you call a successful flutist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.
Q: What's the difference between a flutist and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.
Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A flutist with a mortgage.
Q: What do you throw a drowning flutist?
A: His case.
Q: What do you call a bunch of flutists in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.
Q: Did you hear about the flutist who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the woodwind?
A: I don't remember how it goes, but the punchline is "the flute player got hit by a car".
Q: What is the perfect weight for a flutist?
A: 3 and a half pounds including the urn.
Q: What does a flute and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: How do you keep your jewelry from being stolen?
A: Leave it in a flute case.
Marriage is like playing the flute. It looks easy until you try it.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the flute recital.
There was a Drummer and A Flute Player Having a FIGHT. The Flute Player Won The Fight. She is all right. But The DRUMMER IS ALL BEAT UP BADLY.
A B flat, a G flat, and an E flat walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we can't serve minors"
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician, I play the flute."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of piccolo players. They called ground control with a list of demands.
Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one piccolo player an hour.