Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
A: Write 'pp, espressivo'.
Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Did you hear about the streaker in the string section?
He said "Say Cello to my little friend."
Q: What do you call ten cellos at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: How do you get a million dollars?
A: Start off with 2 million and buy a cello.
Cellist: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Q: What do you get when you wrap a fun guy in 4 strings?
A: a Porta-cello.
Q: What do you throw a drowning cellist?
A: Her case.
Marriage is like playing the cello. It looks easy until you try it.
Q: Where does a hooker like to spread her legs and play the cello?
A: A bordello.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the string section?
A: I don't remember how it goes, but the punchline is "the cello player got hit by a car".
Q: What is the difference between a cello and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
Q: What is the perfect weight for a cellist?
A: 3 and a half pounds including the urn.
Q: What does a cello and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: Why do cellists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What's the best thing to play a cello with?
A: A razor blade.
Q: What do you call a successful cellist?
A: A woman whose husband has 2 jobs.
Q: What's the difference between a cellist and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.
Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A cellist with a mortgage.
Q: What do all great cellists have in common?
A: They are all dead.
Q: Did you hear about the cellist who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.
Q: What does a cello and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Q: What's the difference between a cello and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a cellist and god?
A: God doesn't think he's a cellist.
Q: How do you keep your jewelry from being stolen?
A: Leave it in a cello case.
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician, I play the cello."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of cellists. They called ground control with a list of demands.
Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one cellist an hour.