Bass Jokes

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Q: Did you hear about the bassist who locked his keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q. What do you call a bass player with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q: What do you call a bass player that only knows two chords?
A: A professional.

Q: What do you call a guitar that's made of sodium hydroxide?
A: Base guitar.

Q: How do you get a million dollars?
A: Start off with 2 million and buy a bass guitar.

Q: What's the first thing a bass guitarist says when he knocks on your door?
A: "Pizza!"

Q: What do you throw a drowning bassist?
A: His case.

Q: Did you hear the joke about metal music?
A: I don't remember how it goes, but the punchline is "the bass player got hit by a car".

Q: What do you call twenty bass guitars at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What is the perfect weight for a bassist?
A: 3 and a half pounds including the urn.

A young child told his mother "When I grow up I'm going to play the bass guitar."
His mother responded "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What does a bass guitar and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Hi, I'm here to tune your bass guitar.
I didn't call a guitar tuner.
Yeah I know, but the neighbors called.

Q: How do you keep your jewelry from being stolen?
A: Leave it in a bass guitar case.

Q: What do you call a successful bassist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.

Q: What's the difference between a bassist and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.

Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A bassist player with a mortgage.

Q: Why do bassists tour the most in the summer?
A: So they can visit all their kids.

Q: What do all great bassists have in common?
A: They are all dead.

Q: What does a bass guitar and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Q: What's the best thing to play a bass guitar with?
A: A razor blade.

Q: What's the difference between a bass guitar and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: Why do bassists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What's the difference between a bassist and god?
A: God doesn't think he's a bassist.

Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.

Doctor's Office
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician, I play the bass guitar."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

Saint Peter
St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of bassists. They called ground control with a list of demands.
Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one bassist an hour.

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